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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Hi, first post 
2nd-Apr-2007 11:04 pm
I'm sorry to bother you guys, I just don't know what to do and I can't talk to anyone.

My names Ryan, I'm 18, and I'm really really scared.

yesterday, my boyfriend put me in hospital, which is where I'm writing this from as they let me have my laptop. my friends don't believe me (I have a history of self injury by banging, and they think I'm making up stories to cover up that I'm doing it again) and I don't have anywhere to turn. he beat me unconcious and raped me. I just hurt. I'm so confused.

Frank has been beating me up for about nine months of our eleven month relationship, and fucking me whenever he feels like it for pretty much the same amount of time, with or without my consent. 

I feel stupid and gullible for letting things get this far. I should have stopped him the first time he slapped me. its my fault really, I know it is. he wouldn't be like this if I was a better person and did what he said and didn't talk back. he's so nice to me in public...which is probably why no one believes me. its like he's a different person the moment we get through the front door. most nights I end up sleeping in the bathtub, hiding behind the locked bathrrom door as he either smashes things or goes out with his friends to get wasted. I shouldn't make him angry, why am I so stupid?

I tried to leave him and he turned up as I was about to go. I couldn't lie, I had my bags. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I had my bags.

it was never that bad before. I shouldn't have tried to leave, that was really stupid. he dragged me back inside. I thought he was going to kill me. I thought I was really going to die. I wasn't even scared of dying, I just wanted it to stop. if Simon hadn't come over in the morning I would still be lying on the floor. probably not breathing, and not noticing if I was breathing or not. 

Frank always knows just what to say to me. he knows when to tell me I'm fat and disgusting, punishing me by making me throw up (bulimic). he knows when to tell me I'm ugly or stupid or a pansy or anything else that's glaringly wrong with me. its for my own good, I have to know what my faults are to correct them, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. sometimes he tells me I'm beautiful. 

my friends (not the previous group who think I'm lying) persuaded me to allow the hospital to do a rape kit on me, so that Frank will stop doing this to me. I'm regretting it now. he said I'd be betraying him if I had it done...

I'm so confused. its like he's inside my head and I can't have a clear thought without him. I love him, but he hurts me. its not right, but its what I deserve. I want to leave him, but I can't. 

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. now he's going to get in huge trouble and so will I. I don't want to get him in trouble.

I'm sorry it's so scrappy and disconnected, my head is really messed up right now. 

someone help me? please?

x
Comments 
2nd-Apr-2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
:'(

could you tell anyone at the hospital what's happening to you? they could refer you to various resources that could help you out right now.

i'm so sorry. i hope you recover quickly.
2nd-Apr-2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
also, it isn't your fault. yes, everyone has flaws, but no-one ever deserves to get beaten or berated for them. i used to think it was my fault that my (ex)boyfriend was abusing me because i didn't do everything he said, but it would have been impossible for me to be what he wanted -- perfect.
2nd-Apr-2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
Oh no hon, you're not betraying him, you're protecting yourself. You need to put yourself first in this case, and what Frank is doing to you is very abusive. None of it is your fault. What he's done is brainwash you into thinking it is, by wearing you down and saying such nasty things to you. Everyone has faults, but what he's saying is just plain nasty, he's saying it to make you feel bad, not to help you. You don't deserve it, you don't deserve any of it.

It is hard to get that stuff out of your head. At least now you're away from him. When he tells you the good stuff, it's only to throw you more off balance, and to manipulate you into staying and believing it's your fault (which it isn't!).

I know you love him, but he doesn't love you. He wouldn't treat you like that if he did, no matter what he says. Many abusers put on a nice front when they're out in public, which makes it easier for them to get away with the abuse.

There's nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with him. He's the one who's messed up, not you. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and dignity, someone who truly loves you.
3rd-Apr-2007 08:45 am (UTC)
This is very well said, and I 100% agree.

There is never any excuse for a man to hit you. You have a right to your opinions, and to express them. NOTHING you do or do not do will ever stop him from hitting you so long as you are with him, because it's not about YOU...it's about him, and his own sick need to control you. He would do this to any woman who was with him. If you were Angelina Jolie, he'd tell you you were fat and ugly. If you were the woman with the world's highest IQ, he'd tell you you are stupid, because that is the sort of thing that an abuser does to break down his victim. Then he cycles over to being 'nice', because that's part of the process of brain washing and manipulation that someone like him will use.

Nothing that he is doing is for your benefit, and you completely deserve better than that. You are not the problem.

DO tell the people at the hospital, and be honest. If you also self harm, admit to it, but be clear that this time, it was not you. You did nothing wrong in having that rape kit done. Do not return home alone with this man. Get the police to come with you to retrieve your things if you are going to go back at all, and, although it's very dangerous, you do need to get away from him, because eventually, he will do worse, no matter what else you do, or do not do, because the problem is HIS. NOTHING you can do by continuing to be with him will stop him from hurting you. Get as far from him as you can, and once you have, never go back, no matter how much he promises to 'change'. He won't.

Never for a moment feel guilty for telling the truth about what he's doing to you. If he himself didn't know it was wrong, he wouldn't hide it in public!

-Dira-
2nd-Apr-2007 11:02 pm (UTC)
frank's behavior is not your fault at all. your safety is the most important thing. i think that trying to leave doesn't sound stupid, it sounds like a really really good idea.
safe hugs to you.
3rd-Apr-2007 02:31 am (UTC)
This is totally not your fault. He made the choice to do these things to you, and there's nothing wrong with you that you didn't know what to do - I stayed with an abusive boyfriend for three years.

I second the idea of talking to the people at the hospital - they might be able to help you find some local resources to get you to a safe place.

You did the right thing by having a rape kit done - any evidence you can get right now will help to protect you. You don't deserve to be hurt just because you love an abuser. If abusers weren't lovable people on some level they'd never have access to people to abuse.

It is possible to report him, to make sure he never hurts you like this again *and* still love him. You love him enough to keep him from turning himself into a monster. Turning him in can get him help, and in time, it could mean you two being in a healthier place together.

You're not sounding disconnected at all - you're making a lot of sense considering everything you're going through all at once. We're here for you.
3rd-Apr-2007 03:09 pm (UTC) - welcome
This is not your fault. There is nothing you can do that would make him behave any differently. Please believe us.

My mother (my abuser) is certified to give other people advice on raising their children. People behave differently when they can get away with it, behind closed doors, or with people they control than when they are out in public. You shouldn't be in trouble; you did nothing wrong. *Nothing*. There *isn't* anything you could possibly have done in the world to deserve what he's done to you.

There is a cycle, where we are given positive reenforcement so we will stay and tolerate the rest of the behavior. We internalize frightening people around us, that little voice in our head, because we believe if we can anticipate their behavior we can prevent it. Eventually, over time, we can learn to identify which voices are ones we got from them and argue back.

Protect yourself, please. Have a safe place to go to, ideally where he wouldn't think to look. Take care of yourself.
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