Wouldn't you like to know? (sunnybeaches85) wrote in _survivors_,
Wouldn't you like to know?

I finally fixed the cut:)
I feel really awful typing this out. I was sexually abused as a child, but unlike the normal population, I'm almost "happy" that it happened. It's not like I enjoyed it, but I liked he paid attention to me. My parents were busy at work and hardly making money, so I lived at my grandparents for a few years (he lived with them at 30 years old!). It was my uncle, and I was a little kid, so it's not like I understood what was happening. But to this day, I feel "special." I know it's wrong, but it's like I was pretty enough to be picked out. I was his special little girl. I feel so loved, even to this day. I cried when my parents came to take me back...I barely knew who they were at that point. Family members figured it out because he always wanted to spend time with me. He would take me out to fun places all the time, "help me" fall asleep at night, help me take a shower (when I was at my younger ages), etc. Then at a doctor's appointment, my vagina was "stretched beyond what was normal" or something. Things started to unfold...Anyway, I felt like a princess. I know it is wrong, and I am disgusted EVERYTIME hear a story about child abuse. Please believe this. It makes me cringe when I read stories. I am really scared to type this next part, because it might receive a lot of negative feedback...but here goes:

Sometimes I want to be raped or sexually promiscuous. I want someone to have sex with me, but in a way that I have no control over or not in a planned way. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel valuable. I want someone to pick me out, and choose *me*. I want to feel loved, even if it's artificial. I want someone to risk something for me. In a way, this is disgusting but part of me thinks about what will happen if I go to certain places at night...I know, I'm a freak. But the idea of someone choosing me...ME over others and holding me close...I want to feel pretty and wanted. I want to feel like a little girl, young, innocent, and fragile. I just feel so lonely right now. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't even want a boyfriend because I don't trust that he will truly love me. So being the wonderfully logical person I am, I think that being raped or sexually promiscuous will give me the happiness and feelings of being wanted and that I'll feel worthy of something.

Tags: abuse: csa, abuse: incest
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