honeysuckleaura (honeysuckleaura) wrote in _survivors_,

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I ran into the narcisstic abusive ex-something

I hardly post here, but I just had to tonight.  I've been in a mild state of anxiety today on and off.  I passed by a building today and out came the biological father of my child, who is usually dressed well with his tan and hair perfected in a pair of sweats in a group of people. 

This man has spent the better part of the last five years denegrating me and ignoring and berating our daughters existence.  He lies, with no regret, and I found out through discovery in court that he has stolen from people, and had quite the string of victims by intimidation (sexual) - he's used his political ties to try to intimidate me, and bascially, with many people here, found sympathy for various reasons - first because he told people he had an addictive personality, then that he was mentally ill (he tried that one in court and it fell apart on him - total loss on his part), all the time denying any responsibility for our relationship and my daughter.  He told people that I had no business having "that baby."  I won't go into the full details, but I ended up with a 21 year protective order and full custody.  He, at one point, was tens of thousands of dollars in arrears on child support, but because he was an attorney, it was tolerated.  Even after stories broke in the newspapers about the protective order and th child support, I was still "tsked" by many - like they felt sorry for him (those people are part of his narcisstice crowd - I swear they all hang out and just admire one another).  Their are many here too who have had some bad dealing with him and don't like him - but do to politics still shake his hand and smile.   I have PTSD from a rape many years ago that was made worse (but eventually led to a lot of healing) by all the public chatter around this.  My sexuality felt "on display."

So, today, when I passed him, I almost immediately knew that it was some sort of support group, and found out later that it was an AA meeting.  I can't help but think that he'll now try to publicly display the alcoholism as a reason for impregnating me (sometimes I feel like he's making excuses for why he'd ever be with me at all - and that really feels dirty) .  I just feel so used and belitteld.  Someone patted him on the back outside the meetin, and my stomach churned.  He is a total narcissict, and for me to know so much about the harm he has caused others and myself makes it near impossible for me to feel sympathy for him - he always feels so much for himself (and that's exclusive - he feels it ONLY for himself - like, "oh my God I've abandoned my child and abused her mother, that really makes me sad for ... MYSELF."    He's even said that the situation is "tragic."  I could go on and on ... but I won't.  I just feel such a sting.  I don't know if this will make any sense to people who haven't been around a narcissist - they are capable of so much evil. Their manipulation of others with such an objective eye - like they are playing a chess game with people - and they'll strike out at any misbaving piece that won't stay in place.  

So I calmed eventually - on and off - but I still feel a bit spacey from it.  Yuck.  Yucky narcissists.  Abusive people make me sick to my stomach.   I wish they'd separate us all - let the abusive people have a place of their own and the rest of us could live in peace - or at least heal in peace.

But my daughter was herself today - adorable, sensitive, funny , and cute ... and I felt blessed by her presence.  She is a wonderful person.  I'm glad for her.
Tags: parent/abuser with personality disorder
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