wildwordwomyn (wildwordwomyn) wrote in _survivors_,

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What Do I Have To Offer?

Been with my girlfriend officially around a year now. And sometimes I wonder if she'll be able to keep surviving me.
I'm so damn insecure about us. About her love for me, her attraction. Why would she want me, of all people? That's what I've actually asked her before, what I still think deep down. Why me? I'm nothing. Average woman with average looks and average intelligence and average...everything. I'm screwed in the head, you know? Don't know if I can ever change that. Sometimes she gets mad about life in general and says things that make me wonder. Is she being mean or am I too sensitive? Do I wanna do this anymore since it's so hard? I love her. As much as I can anyway. But part of me wants to run away and hide from love. Pain I can deal with. Anger I can dissociate from. I can even handle depression. But love? It's a lot harder than I ever thought. Letting someone in. Believing I'm worth it. Physically, emotionally, sexually, romatically. I still don't see what she sees when she looks at me. She even calls me strong. Me? I feel so damn weak most of the time! Ugh! Least I'm going to the doctor next Monday. Get something for this mood swinging PMS that's kicking my ass and maybe anti-depressants depending. A new job with a manager who respects me would help. More money and less debt. Oh well, no more depressing thoughts. I don't feel like crying anymore today. I just want something salty and sweet. And oddly a teddy bear or something else equally soft to hold.
Tags: relationships
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