One thing I've been dealing with lately is the conversation I had with my main attacker. It's something I don't talk about and really don't like to think about, but I have been lately.
After the first two guys who hurt me left, and I gave the other guy head, he talked to me for a while. He laid down on the table next to me and held me. He talked to me about movies and his interests. He asked about me and my family. I was so scared and I wouldn't talk to him but then he said something. Four words that have been the entire difference between me getting over this entire thing. He looked right into my eyes and said, "I am SO sorry." And then, being pissed off I wasn't talking to him, he decided to finish what he had begun and tried to have sex with me. But, having over exerted himself, he failed to do so.
But I really hate him for what he did to me. And I really hate that I don’t understand why he did it. I hate that for a few seconds, I could see that he WAS sorry. And I really and truly believe that he WAS sorry for what him and his friends had done to me. But I don't know why.
If anyone has any good suggestions for websites/books/movies/anything about the mentality of rapists, I would really appreciate it. That's what I really need right now. I just need to understand SOMETHING about what they were thinking. If only to make myself feel better.