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One thing I've been dealing with lately is the conversation I had… 
18th-Mar-2007 09:26 pm

One thing I've been dealing with lately is the conversation I had with my main attacker. It's something I don't talk about and really don't like to think about, but I have been lately.
After the first two guys who hurt me left, and I gave the other guy head, he talked to me for a while. He laid down on the table next to me and held me. He talked to me about movies and his interests. He asked about me and my family. I was so scared and I wouldn't talk to him but then he said something. Four words that have been the entire difference between me getting over this entire thing. He looked right into my eyes and said, "I am SO sorry." And then, being pissed off I wasn't talking to him, he decided to finish what he had begun and tried to have sex with me. But, having over exerted himself, he failed to do so.
But I really hate him for what he did to me. And I really hate that I don’t understand why he did it. I hate that for a few seconds, I could see that he WAS sorry. And I really and truly believe that he WAS sorry for what him and his friends had done to me. But I don't know why.


If anyone has any good suggestions for websites/books/movies/anything about the mentality of rapists, I would really appreciate it. That's what I really need right now. I just need to understand SOMETHING about what they were thinking. If only to make myself feel better.
Comments 
19th-Mar-2007 01:50 am (UTC)
That was wonderful and very helpful.
Thank you.
19th-Mar-2007 01:46 am (UTC)
i should add that the link will have triggering content, since it's about rapist mentality and motive and therefore somewhat describes rape.
19th-Mar-2007 01:52 am (UTC)
Thank you. It is triggering, but very helpful for my purpose.
19th-Mar-2007 04:21 am (UTC)
I've heard good things about Inexcuseable by Chris Crutcher (I think). It's written from the point of view of a date rapist.

My rapist apologised as well.
20th-Mar-2007 05:19 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I just reseved it at the library.
19th-Mar-2007 04:27 am (UTC)
i'm sorry you're having hard time. i hope you do get better. lots of hugs.
20th-Mar-2007 05:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
(Deleted comment)
20th-Mar-2007 05:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah.
I don't know what to think half the time. I'm verycynical about all people. I WANT to believe there's something good in everyone, but experiance tells me otherwise.
19th-Mar-2007 04:09 pm (UTC)
I can't think of any particular titles, but you can usually find chapters in criminology and psychology books about rapists/abusers. ::big safe hugs::
20th-Mar-2007 05:21 pm (UTC)
I'm going to do a search on it at the library.
20th-Mar-2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
i also have a huge propensity to find out why my attacker did what he did to me. i am a pretty intellectual person when it comes to sorting out my feelings and the actions of others. i always want to know why. i think "if i just know why it happened, or why he did this, or what he was thinking, or, or, or" then i'll be able to deal with it and get over it. my counselor reminds me every single week that i am never going to get the answers that i want. i am never going to know why. like you, i did a lot of research into all of this when i began my healing process a year ago. none of it answered why. i still seek that answer. i completely understand where you are coming from and why you need to seek out some answers. just know that it is eventually ok to not know why and to still be able to process the situation. i hope this helps a bit, although probably not.
20th-Mar-2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
:-)
That's how I feel. I just want to know WHY. I know I'll never know, but I just want that small bit of understanding.
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