s a r a. (__letterb0mb) wrote in _survivors_,
s a r a.

warning:This is graphic. Do not read this if you are sensitive. I decided to write in here because I have nobody I can, or want to tell. If I'm going to tell my story, I'm going to tell my whole story.

I was raped 4 times.

It all started a year ago. I was 14, and I had agreed to accompany my best friend at the time to a sleepaway camp. Little did I know, this camp was more of a place for teenagers to hang out, smoke pot, get drunk, and have sex.

I was always considered the popular, outgoing girl. I was the top of my class, had a lot of friends, a great family, and a large home. Yet something was always missing. I was depressed constantly for no reason. I had everything I ever wanted. The pain I was feeling came from something and somwhere deep that I did not understand until last year. When I was forced to grow up with the events that had happened to befall upon me.

When I had first arrived at camp and saw everyone drunk and kids running around high and throwing up everywhere, I knew I would love it there. I was always a rebel and the first few nights I was up there I had met many people, gotten drunk numerous times, and met a boy named Trevor Duffy

Trevor was 24 and I was 14. The camp was somewhere in upstate New jersey and was very different from my life in New York City. I wasnt used to trees, and being outdoors in the winlderness so I spent most of my time out there in the woods. One night, I was out in the woods late at night talking to one of my good friends, Jason. I had been at camp for about a week and already developed a crush on Trevor who would wink at me occasionally and talk with me. That night, he had gotten very drunk. He asked if I needed a ride back to my cabin which was 2 miles away. Me, being completely in love with this tall, blue eyed, blonde haired man, agreed.

While he was driving up, he started to say things that caught me off gaurd. Things like " Your really hot for a 14 year old." If i was 14 right now, I'd be in love with you" " You have a really toned stomach, can you show me?"
I wasn't stupid. I had asked from the minute he said that to let me out of the car. I wasn't going to show him anything, and he was drunk. This was dangerous. I had let myself out when he stopped the car, but he opened his door and started walking towards me. My mind went blank. I thought about running, and the truth is, since the minute he opened that car door, I knew my life would never be the same.

I ran. I did. I ran as fast as I could through the woods, and i had no idea where i was going. It was 2:30 in the morning, and it was pitch black. I had only the moon for light and I had fell about 2 times. I had come to a bridge, sobbing and crying. I can still taste the taste of fear in my mouth. I thought I had lost him, and tried to find out a way to figure out where I was. I was crying so loud, and I tried to stop myself, because he would hear me. Sure enough, he did. He picked me up by my shoulders and hair. He threw me on the dirt and my head hit the root of a tree. He laid me on my back, ad layed on top of me. Pressing his body against myne. I could feel his chest and his muscles. I could feel his whole body. I could feel him, weighing me down. He took his beer, poured it all over my shirt. I was wearing a Hollister shirt, and most have very weak, kind of see-through fabric. He ripped it open, right down the middle. He took his bottle opener and brushed it against my face, then my chest. He cut open my bra, pulled down my skirt, and did absolutely nothing but talk for 2 minutes, which seemed like the world. He said things like "Don't fight me, if you fight me, Im just going to fuck you harder." He inserted his penis in me. I am very petite, and was a virgin. This was more pain then I could ever imagine. He did it over and over. saying things like " Say you want it harder, say you want it faster.". All that came out of my mouth was "fuck you." He squeezed my breasts so hard, and for a minute I tried to think of only the pain from him squeezing them, because the pain from him raping me was far much worse. He punched me in the face more times than I could count. I was bleeding from my mouth, and mostly from my eye. He raped me in the woods until 3:00. He had done it for a half hour and he had cummed in me 3 times. When he was done, he walked back to his car & said nothing.

That night, I layed in the woods, naked and bloody until the sun came up. I was in a trance. I thought I was dead. When I woke up and realized what had happened, all that was on my mind was trying to figure out a way to hide it from everyone. I was strong, and I found my way back, put on makeup to cover some scars, and made up lies about the scars I could not hide, about the pain I could not show them.

I had to stay at camp for 4 weeks because my parents and family were away on vacation. A week after my rape, I saw him again & the pain I got from seeing his face, was worse than the pain of what he had ever done to me. I was in my cabin, brushing my teeth, laughing with my friends, and when I came out , there he was. Sitting at the table eating pancakes. He winked at me. My heart jumped, I sweated. I ran outside. I ran to the lake, sat there, crying, scared. He had followed me. He had asked me to forgive him. I had said that he would never know the effect of what he did to me. I was walking back to the cabin when he dragged me to his car, and raped me again. This time, it had only lasted for 15 minutes. He had raped me another time a few days later, this time inviting his friend to watch. I was forced to preform oral sex on him and his friend. On my 2nd to last day there, he gave me a "goodbye rape." The 4 weeks of camp, were hell on earth.

Now, I am doing ok. I went through much depression, I never told anyone this and nobody knows. My grades dropped, I got into drugs, I couldnt be touched by anyone. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up screaming from my dreams. I still have flashbacks of laying in the woods, bleeding and alone. But, overall, I'm ok, because I know this is something I can overcome. I was always smart, and I won't let him ruin my life because he has took far too much from me already. He may have phased me, but I am still alive and well today. & I will live on.
Tags: abuse: csa, rape: acquaintance/date
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