earthygirrl (earthygirrl) wrote in _survivors_,

my sesion

So I missed my sessions yesterday because of a lot of things and we rescheduled for today.........which I ended up being late. Geeezzeeeeh.    

But we talked about a lot of things. We talked about my mother being still legally married to my father, separated, and not divorced. She asked me how it made me feel. I felt nothing. I don't remember my father ever being there....but that's because I don't remember period.  Then we talked about the impact of "It won't happen to me" in reference to my mother being and alcoholic. We talked about the impact it had on me when I was a kid and if I played the grown up part as a reason to not be like her.  It's something for me to consider. I don't know right now.  We also went back and talked about children of alcoholics. I haven't looked into that stuff in a long time. Perhaps I should take a peek sometime this week.

We also talked about what happened on Sunday at the woman's psychic workshop. How I was scared to do a woman's energy healing. It focuses on the ovaries, womb and meridians. She asked if I would "need" to know. I told her that I'd like to know...I feel it would help me with my healing process.  She asked how I could go about finding out. I told her through meditations, energy work, and finally asking my mom. She asked to what she could do for me. ( I was thankful for this) I told her the talk and maybe suggest more coping skills or things I can do incase I freak out. I think next week I'm going to ask if we can write some things out and being actively working on things. I think I need to visuals. Like exercises I can do...questions to ask....books to read...etc. Granted I've been doing this stuff.......

I'm also considering finding a counselor I can go to once a month (at least) that understands energy and how the mind effects the body (etc). So that I can do energy work with them and talk about it a bit. But still have my main counselor to talk things through. 

I also got the book finally!! You can't touch my soul. I started reading it a bit before work. Wow. I think it will be a really good book. The first bit I read talked about experiences. I'm a little scared to read it I have to admit. Cause I'm scared of what it might bring up for me. But even in my fear; I will continue...because I must.....for myself. 

She gave me a referral for a lawyer. I don’t know yet. I'd rather others know about this person.......and perhaps others will come forward....perhaps it could help others beginning healing...or with their healing.  But at the same time...the idea of telling my story is scary. Because I feel like people would debunk it. They wouldn't believe me. They'd think "Oh that's really no big deal."  Or say, "Well you let it happen." 

It all seems complicated to me....the story. Because there was a me that didn't realize what was going on until I left the city and was shocked and mortified and horrified. But while it was happening I thought nothing was wrong. I do realize that a lot of this is how they get to the mind. Cause it started when I was 11 years old till I was 19 years old. It was sick....
It's was almost the way incest works...very covert. Cause my family thought of him as a father figure for me.....yeah...

I dunno about that. But I didn't know I had more options. Like I don't have to persecute him. I can do it in a civil court. I would get money. But the money doesn't matter. But I also can't imagine sending someone to jail. It's almost be enough that others know for me. That if it's still would stop. He's still the director of the children's choir at my old church........

In reading the book above, I got scared a bit. Just like I get scared of becoming and alcoholic like my mom.......I get scared of becoming a molester. Cause most molesters were molested as kids. I know I never will because I know my mind. I know me. But every now and then....not like I have the thoughts or anything. I don't. Never. So I know I wouldn't.
Tags: legal, processing, therapy
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