Laura (martialarts4lyf) wrote in _survivors_,
Laura
martialarts4lyf
_survivors_

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help...

I was sexually assaulted for six months when I was 13, about 4 1/2 years ago. I'm just now trying to recover from it. I use to always push it away, but it would always come back...worse and worse each time. Now I'm trying not to push it away any more. I trying to remember stuff...and I am. But I'm kinda at the point where I'm scared I don't know why, I want to cry and I can't any more. I'll be talking to my friend...I feel the tears coming...but they won't come out. I'm just so sick of the constant numbing pain. Yeah, I can ignore it sometimes...but it's always there. I don't know what to do. I try to cry, I talk about it alot (with people I trust)...I don't know what to do. It's like okay all this pain is up...oh yeah, I remember all this now...what it felt like, how he did it, how I felt when he did it...I've got my flash backs every now-and-then...now what do I do with it all? I feel like it's just sitting there trying to hurt me and tear out my life. I little dramatic I know...but do you understand what I mean? It's just frustrating. I'm able to talk with guys and get to know them. But I have trouble letting them get too close, some guys there's an exception...like for my ex, my two friends (bill & Eric), and my Master instructor at tae kwon do. I want to be able to trust again and not be overly suspicious of every guy. Granted, I don't want to be a push over...but I don't want to be in my little bubble either. I'm just so frustrated...I want to stop hurting. I brought all this pain up and I don't know what to do with it. I'm lonely, I feel alone, worthless, I get axious sometimes, I just want to get better. I don't expect to fully recover...I just want to do better. Does anyone know what I mean? I just really need someone to talk to that completely understand and has gone/ going through what I'm going through and that can help me. Reply to this or you can e-mail me...

Thanks to anyone who tries to help...
Tags: abuse: csa, processing
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