hunting for surrealism (meggilicious) wrote in _survivors_,
hunting for surrealism
meggilicious
_survivors_

Confused...

Hello everyone. I just found this community tonight. I just wanted to tell a story. I've noticed the etiquette involves a LJ-cut, so...

I am confused, because I do not know if this was abuse. Or, more along the lines of, should I really care? Should I be affected? Am I affected?

My step-cousin, a girl, was about 14... I was 5. But this cousin, which I didn't find out until much later, had herself been sexually abused by her grandfather... when I heard that, it explained so much to what we had done.

But I remember she loved dressing myself and other cousins up... I remember once that she was putting me in a diaper, and my father walked in and was angry and had me take it off. I remember a time going with her to the bathroom and asking her what that "white thing" (tampon) in her hand was, and what it was for... And she showed me, put it in me. I was 5. It was very innocent though, you see? I asked, she showed, and since there were no power struggles involved, I feel as though it wasn't really abuse... just her own confusion, her own venting and frustrations, my own childish curiosity.

The only other thing I remember is us playing house, with my younger male cousin (he was 3 at the time). He was the baby, I was the mommy, and my step-cousin was the daddy. I asked her, "What do mommies and daddies do?" And she showed me, by french-kissing me.

I remember other times where she would brush past my skin, where she would be fascinated by genitalia. Not by staring, or any such thing, but other episodes like the tampon episode.

She has been out of my family and life for an extremely long time, and, as I said, only long after her absence did I learn of her own abuse, through a grandfather on her own side of the family. It made everything fit, work.

So... I don't really feel sad, or even upset... I feel upset for her own abuse, and victimization, but I do not feel like a victim... perhaps by proxy, but not even so.

Am I making sense?

I am sorry... I have just always wanted to ask another survivor's opinion of this... As I have told two individuals, and realized it just made them uncomfortable.

Sorry if this is not relevant, please delete...

Thank you for your time.

I hope to be there for anyone else. I am greatly saddened by the stories here, and hope you may all recover and find justice and peace.

~ Megan
Tags: abuse: csa, abuse: incest, introductions
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