My name is Shelly and I am 19.
I don't really know where to start. Everyone has there problems, and its been a long time since I have stopped to confront mine.
As long as I could remember, I have always had issues with my body. I felt awkward and un-natural looking. I had no friends in Middle School and when High School rolled around, I couln't be more excited.
High school seemed like the type of place were they accepted ones differences and treasured them. How wrong I was.
Freshman year, I broke loose. I made friends and frequented many parties. Most of it seems like a blur now, since I was drunk so much, but one aspect of it still haunts me, images that I can not forget. You wake up the morning after, hoping it was all a dream, some illusion that your drunk mind hallucinated during the night.
I was at a party on night, I was young, foolish and most importantly too wasted to understand what was happening to me, and I was raped. Seems simple enough to say now, but it wasn't always so.
I was never the same after that night. I became detached and cut myself off from everyone. In doing so I hurt a lot of people, they just didn't understand,and I wasn't about to tell them.
I was numb, yet I functioned normally on the outside. Almost like a robot. I wore baggy clothes, never wore make up agian and started to binge non- stop. I didn't want anyone to ever look at me again.
About a year or so later I learned to get a grip of myself and focus on making friendships again. I was lonely, and food at the time was my only comfort.
To this day I have yet to tell my parents. I never sought a therapist, and chose not to confide in anyone. Self healing I suppose. If I was gonna get over this I was gonna have to do it my self.
Once I started opening up again, I met a boy, the first boy I had talked to in about a year. He seemed nice, kind and understanding. Then in sophmore year, just two months before the school year ended, we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was a horrible girlfriend. I had no clue what I was doing, and tried to avoid him as much as possible. He still held on though,and in time grew frustrated and started taking control of things. Being more assertive with his needs.
Now, at first I thought of this as a blessing. He could guide me, and knowing how understanding he was, he would take his time, be gentle and patient with me.
Wrong. He started taking control of everything. From what I wore to who I talked to, and I just let him. I thought thats what I was supposed to do. He was the man after all, or so he told me. But I was getting scared, he reminded me of those two boys at the party.
He could feel me trying to pull away. So thus started the verbal abuse. He would tell me how ugly I was, how I was fat and that no one would ever want me. He said it so much that I began to believe him and started binging more. It being the only comfort I had.
He then kept trying to get me to have sex with him. I was so scared of the idea of sex, that I couldn't go through with it. He would get angry and tell me how stupid I was being and I believed him, but I still couldn't do it. I could feel the bile rising in my throat every time I thought about it.
Eventually he grew tired of having such an overweight girl for a girlfriend. I had gained about 50 pounds from all the binging and he dumped me, for a skinny girlfriend of mine.
Now you think I would of been relieved, but that couldn't be any farther from the truth.
I was scared and alone. He was in control of everything and I couldn't possibly live without him. I was fat, unstable and alone.
I started to cut myself, I started turning to drugs and I felt everything go down hill from there. After a year of this I felt it was time to quit, and get control of myself.
Now order became the only way of live. I was addicted to the power of it and turned it on other aspects of my life. Like what I was eating. I started to eat less and less, losing that 50 pds. But I coudn't have enough of it.
I then discovered that I had an eating disorder. I find mysef struggling with it even now and don't plan on ever stopping.
Its the only thing that has ever been there for me. I know I am slowly destroying myself, but its the control I crave.
This was a really long entry and I apoligize. I kind of got lost in thought there.
Anyway, the is probalbly the first time I have openly discussed my past. Seems so far away now. I am so wrapped up in the present to really look back.
It was nice to just write about it I suppose.