Chrysyphus (chakrakhan) wrote in _survivors_,

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Frustrated ramble

I haven't posted since my intro. I'm just feeling extremely lonely right now. Most of my friends are coupled, which mean I'm the odd one out at most get togethers, or I'm just not invitied. I make great efforts to have fun, and I invite my friends and their bfs, but things never pan out. I'm not even wanting a relationship with anyone, I've arrived that the conclusion that I'm asexual, meaning I really don't experience sexual attraction to anyone. I just want close friends, friends who are there, friends with whom I could share some of my experiences. For all my plans and schemes, or otherwise sorry attempts at coordinating schedules, nothing comes of it. It's a though, I'm cursed, genuinely cursed to do things by myself. I'm fiercely independent and have gone solo to many an event, friends would be nice for a change.

It's just gotten to the point where I ask myself, "What's wrong with me, don't they like me?". I'm not ready for any sort of romantic relationship, but I figure I'm 30 and I really don't have any secure friendships, not that last. For instance, I'll have a good gf, girl meets boy, they fall for each other, I see friend less and less or life happens and carries them to the other coast, and foreign countries. I'm grateful for my friends as they've touched my life, and the distance doesn't alter our feeling for eachother. At the risk of beign whiny, why can't I have a friend right here!? I'm tired of trying to maintain things when they always seem to leave. I have a hard enough time letting people get close to me. It's hurts so much when they go away. One such friend, to whom I felt a strong connection, is moving out of the country in 3 weeks. I'm happy for her, I'm happy for my other friends who have found love, and joy but at the same time I'm tired of being happy for other people and I want to be happy for myself. It's bee so long, that I don't know what it feels like. I watch everyone live rich full lives, but mine is in some sort of holding pattern. I'm just not going anywhere.

Thanks for the space to share.
Tags: asexuality, relationships
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