Live(Laugh)Art (sxe_beauty) wrote in _survivors_,

So, a little background.
My Freshman year of high school was a mess. It was wild, dangerous and almost leathal. 
I was really depressed, into my stage of cutting where I was at the worst, and not just limited to cutting myself either. I was a drug dealer, delt from my locker; probably the most idiot thing Ive ever done. And Im not proud to say it. I didnt care what people thought of me at all and I let it show.
I met this girl my freshman year, named Jessica.
She was amazing. SHe was JUST like me, in almost ever opposite way..if that makes sense. She was a cutter, a druggie, a drinker and partier like I was. 
Freshman year, and Sophomore year, we really did make hell look easy.
We would sneak out of her house and go smoke ciggs in the corn field and wait for boys that shed hook up with, but I would only make out with, because I was still a virgin and a bit shy compared to her. We would "run away" to other cities at night, paying people to drive us ther, and she would sleep with random boys for drugs, and id only be the "tag along price" but I never did anything, I was to scared. I let her do all the work and took share in the prize, which was cheap weed and beer, but it made me feel amazing. LIke I was wild and no one could tame me. Like my life was Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll. 
We'd lie, steal, cheat, drink, cut, not eat for days, pop diet pills you anme it, we did it. How amazing I felt...but how bad this was...I was dying, and so was she.
But I got out...
I met this boy, most of you know as Andrew, who changed my life and single handedly helped me change. Im not longer a drug dealer, and im sorry to all of you who bought from me. I dont pop pills, do drugs or mess with the oppostie sex. Im happily with my boyfriend. Im no longer *please dont jinx it* A cutter, though I hold that part of my VERY close. I dont party anymore, and if I do its bery very toned down. School is my number one priority, im in 3 AP classes, looking to scholarship, I go to an art off to Europe for the next two summers...
my life is my own, but I made it exactly what I did from extreamly hard work...and Illl never look back...

So last night, Jessica found me. I did everything in my power to get her out of my life. But she found me through AIM, the only thing I DIDNT change.
I didnt talk much, I mean I was relaly put back by this..its random adn I never would have expected it. But there she was.
Her story is as follows, from when I saw her last as of Sophomore year...
Her mom packed her adn her brother up and moved from Wisconsin to Texas. Jessica was kicked out of her house becuase her mom couldnt handle her and all the drugs shes doing. The last timne I talked to her, she was hard core Cocain addict. Now its everything,XTC, Cocaine, Heroin, Speed, Weed....everything.She lives with some person I dont know who...Goes to strip clubs adn hooks up with the strippers, and lots of random boys, all while keeping a boyfriend totally oblivious. Dropped out of school, no more GED. Said that her goal in life as of now is to get on at least 3 VIP lists to Raves every Friday and Saturday. She says she lvoes her life, being able to sleep all day and party all night and not have to worry to be home.

Its sad. She told me all of this so easily. But the thing is...I know her. She was my best friend..I can read her like a book.

Shes dying...she will never admit it. Shes slowly doing so much harm to herself she will never recover. Shes a wreck, and I can see through it all.

I spent my day crying. I love this girl so much, but I cant step in anymore. Shes comming back up here for 2 weeks to spend with her other boyfriend. She invited me to all kinds of parties, for old times sake.

I wont go. Ill take her someplace with just me if she wants to see me so bad. It will do less harm to each of us that way.

I can say, this really hurts. But im alive, and shes not.
Tags: friendships, self-injury, substance/drug abuse

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