kaofuckyou (kaofuckyou) wrote in _survivors_,

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Uh, I posted this entry in my journal today.. Today has not been a happy day. I thought maybe.. well, I don't have anyone on my personal friends list, and I need comments, and it's relevant to this community.. and I'm sorry for posting so often. I need the support this place gives me so, so badly. I wish I was stronger but I'm not. I try to act happy, all the time, but I'm not.

I feel ill, today, and my mood is irrational. I really wish I could do a nice happy entry, and not be so goddamned emo, but today's not a good day. My mood is all over the place, like a fucking hormonal girl. My head hurts. And I called a psychiatrist about the evaluation for the school ap, and he said that he can't really recommend that I go into such a high pressure school, or in good conscience recommend me to them... he said my psychological state is likely to get worse, and that he couldn't in good conscience tell them that I wouldn't end up 'disrupting the environment'. It's not fair. IT'S. NOT. FAIR. And for the first time in a little while I let myself get angry, really really angry, so angry I thought my head would explode, and then I burst into tears and felt pathetic. It's not a happy day today. And my mood is really fucking BIPOLAR, up down up down up down UP FUCKING DOWN. I'm so sick of it. I want a good education, I KNOW I could do well in this school. Diverse fucking learning environment? But nobody with the shadow of a darkness in their background, oh HELL no that would be baaaaaaaad. How could we risk actually GIVING THEM A CHANCE to do well for themselves. They'll never do anything because they'll be TOO SAD. Well the artwork they get from their students is going to be BLAND, fucking BLAND and indifferent because nobody can create great art without great emotion. And they won't even give me a chance. It's like I'm being punished for what he did to me, like it's my fault. Like he got his way in the end and I was bad, I was the bad one.

I just want to be treated like every other fourteen year old. I'm not a special case. I'm not. I'm just me. I'm trying to just be ME and they won't let me. I don't want my past to limit me, it's not fair. I don't want people to only see what's wrong with me, the stains he put on me.

I feel dirty, and seperate. I never even had the chance to think 'I am a virgin', it was stolen from me before I even understood what it was. I'll never get closure from my mom, I'll never know whether she JUST. DIDN'T. CARE. She's dead. I don't even know where this entry is going anymore, these are things I needed to get out.. 

Last night, I dreamt that Tass (my boyfriend) got me pregnant. What does that mean? I mean, ontop of being biologically impossible, it's also something I have no desire for, at all.

Tags: school, venting

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