____// Recovery Injection (o0_sharlene_0o) wrote in _survivors_,
____// Recovery Injection

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Hey, Im new here. My name's Sharlene & Im 15. I was abused 5 years ago now... But Ive still not nearly gotten over it. I was wondering if people had any words of wisdom, or anything that might make me feel a bit better.

Sorry if I go on a bit.. But my memory isn't all that good, and Im not too good at sumarising things...

It all started when I was younger and my Mum got a new boyfriend, Billy. At first I thought he was cool. But then he would drink, and get so drunk that he started shouting. Then he started hitting my Mum, and sometimes my little sister Shannon, who at the time was just born. I remember one time, we went on holiday to this little Butlins place... Where we lived in a little challet. It was dead nice. Then one morning he got angry for some reason and smashed up every plate in the kitchen and flung all the food at the walls. He smashed all the glasses onto the hall floor so that we couldn't get out. That's what we had to put up with for about 6 years. He used to try and turn me against my Mum. Telling me she was evil and that she didn't care. I was too scared to fight back.

Then comes the sexual abuse part. This is where it isn't clear. I tried to block everything out of my head, so now I can't remember any of my childhood. Apart from silly things, and things that are all blurry.
At night, when everyone was sleeping, he used to come into my room. I was what, 9 at the oldest? by this time. He was always drunk, I think. This is the part that confuses me. I can't remember what happened after this. Well, maybe that's not exactly a bad thing if you know what I mean... All I know is that he took his trousers off. And his belt which always made that noise. Id be awake, but I wouldn't let him know that. I was scared incase he would hit me or something. Then he would say "touch it" or something. He would rub 'it' against me, and touch me. All this time Id be rolling about, moaning in my sleep as if I was having a bad dream. Trying to make him think I was about to wake up. Trying to wake my Mum up to help me. Now, I wish I had screamed or something. Then she'd have found out and we'd have gotten away sooner. Or would we have? This went on until the very end, when he got arrested.

I still remember that day. It was the 1st of January 2000. It was the Millenium. It was a fresh start, a new year. We were supposed to be happy. But I was laying on a couch. Tired, because I was kept awake the night before. Because he was drunk. Because my Mum had locked herself in the bathroom, filled with fear. Because he came into my room, again. My auntie was visting from London, and we were having a fancy dinner. Mum, my sister and him were in my house, I was in my aunties [3 doors down the street] with the rest of my family. I went over to borrow some salt & pepper. He was shouting as usual, so I just took the stuff back to my aunties and ignored it. Then my Mum starts hammering on my aunties door. Screaming. Crying. My sister was in her arms & she was crying too. He's tried to attack them. With a knife. All because he wanted some salt on his dinner, and of course, there was no salt left in the house. My Mum had ran out the house and came to my aunties. We let her in and soon after he was pounding at the door, shouting through the letterbox & climbing up to the windows. We were all petrified and we didn't know what to do. Susan tried to phone the police but Mum was too scared to let her. Finally she did and the police arrived and took him away.
I got questioned on what he was doing to us. I never told him about the sexual part. I was too scared. I was only 10. Then I don't know what happened. No one really told me. We just moved up to my grans incase he tried to find us. I went to Womans Aid where this woman talked to me. It never helped. He wasn't locked up or anything.

Last November we were watching videos and stuff at school in sex education about rape and sexual attacks and stuff. It was really getting me down. One night I broke down in tears and told my Mum everything.The child protection untit came out and took a statement. They said they'd get back to me. Possibly, Id have to go to court and stand up, against him. This was a year ago. We haven't heard from them since.
I went back to Womans Aid for a while. But it wasn't helping me feel better. She mentioned something about watching a video. I never went back.
My life is full of worrying about them getting in contact and saying I need to go to court. Or something. They havent actually found him. So where is he? Is he near me? Is he in the same country?

The thing that annoys me most is that I can't remember it. What if I go to court. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, Im not sure if this happened... Im pretty sure though..." You know, sometimes it feels like it's all in my imagination. But at the same time... I wouldn't make something like this up. So it must be true.

I feel like this is going to haunt me forever. Everytime Im in town Im paranoid and always glance at bauld men who resemble him. We've saw him once or twice in town. Ive always ran away though. When Im with a boy it always comes into my mind and I get flashbacks, and hear his belt. Will I ever get over this?
Tags: abuse: child, abuse: csa, abuse: physical, introductions, memories
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