Verity Black (idreamofshoebox) wrote in _survivors_,
Verity Black

[Unknown LJ tag]My Life as Best as I can Describe it…Not too graphic, no worries.

It mostly started in the sixth grade. Three important things happened at the beginning of that year: I moved to a new school, my parents acquired a new adult “family friend”, and I was diagnosed with a number of serious mental illnesses including OCD, ADHD, manic depression, severe panic disorder, schizophrenia, emetophobia, and anorexia nervosa.

My school life was terrible. I was labeled “insane” by the students and teachers. My friends left me until my only acquaintances were the quiet, soft-spoken computer teacher and the shady Spanish teacher who was later arrested for a number of sex crimes against the students. I spent lunch alone in the Spanish teacher’s classroom with him. I was emotionally and physically abused by my peers that year and ended up attempting suicide a few months before my twelfth birthday.

Strangely, though, there are giant chunks of that year that I cant remember, as though they were wiped from my mind completely. After that, I was terrified of males and of any physical contact with them. My therapist thinks that something must have happened, perhaps involving my Spanish teacher, that was traumatizing enough that my mind thought that it had to erase it in order to protect itself.

At the beginning of seventh grade was when my parents’ good friend began to reveal his true colours. It began innocently enough: he would “wrestle” with me and tickle me every night, but his hands always seemed to end up in the wrong places. I convinced myself that it was accidental, but one night he managed to get one hand up my shirt and the other down my underwear. I was frightened, but still tried to think of it all as an innocent accident that could happen to anyone.

As I grew older, he began to sit me in his lap and hug me, although most of the time his hands were in all the wrong places. I noticed that there were times when he would get a hard-on around me. One time he was on holiday with our family and I woke up to find him lying in bed beside me with the fly of his jimjams open and his cock hanging out. That same vacation was when he tried to put a snowball down the front of my bathing suit. I hit him and told him that he was making me uncomfortable. He denied doing anything wrong and acted as though he was offended that I would accuse him of such. I became even more unsure as to whether or not his actions were truly accidental and began avoiding him almost religiously.

He still does things like that once in a while, but I am afraid of telling anyone in case it IS an accident, and because I don’t want to create more trouble for my parents on top of my mental problems.

Last year, I was involved in an abusive friendship (I am still unable to be in a romantic relationship). It was emotionally destructive, more so because of what happened in the sixth grade. The friend encouraged me to kill myself, manipulated my feelings, constantly insulted me, and told me that I didn’t “have the right to be depressed” because I was too “attractive to have real problems.” There were other things that she did to me that I cant write here, but whenever I tried to go against her she would threaten to hurt me or even to kill me and blackmail me with her knowledge of my experiences in the sixth grade.

Since this I have attempted suicide multiple times and been hospitalized for selfinjury, depression, and schizophrenia.

Whew. So yeah. That’s it. Thanks for listening ot me babble. I feel a lot better now.</lj>
Tags: abuse: csa, bullying, introductions
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