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My name is Andrea and I'm 17 years old... i've finally come to terms… 
10th-Jan-2005 04:27 pm
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My name is Andrea and I'm 17 years old... i've finally come to terms with myself and decided to ask for help, but somehow I'm not extremely comfortable with talking to anyone I know...

So here goes the into event... I guess?

~*~

Paul was my friend since the third grade; that's about 8 years now. He was like another brother to me. We'd do just about everything together. May of 2004 changed things though... Matt, asked me to write this down so I don't start to think of it as 'no big deal'. I've only ever told him the details of this incident. Everyone else got either got Paul's side of the story or no story at all...

I guess it could be triggering. It was taken directly from the notebook that I wrote it down in that night after, so it is in both present and past tense sometimes. Sorry if you see this twice and for the length...

I was in Paul’s room with him and I was going to show him a new web comic online. I showed him a couple and he asked for a back rub. I obliged like I always do with all my good friends. There was nothing seductive about it, I sat next to him, not on top of him like a few of my select friends. I didn’t really talk either. The cartoon finished and I moved to the edge of the bed to start the next one. Paul then scooted behind me, his legs either side of me and wrapped his arms around my waist in a hug. I just sat there and comforted him, he had just lost his girlfriend of 7 or 8 months… He held my waist while we watched the cartoon. Then he moved, tickling me some. I jumped and he pulled me into his lap. I leaned forward against his arms and he let me slide away to sit on the edge of the bed again.

I was feeling rather uneasy and kept telling myself that he was just upset from losing his girlfriend. He moved closer yet, his chest against my back. I told him I was slipping off the edge and he moved to give me more room again. I took it, leaving plenty of space between him and I, making it a point not to get too close. I started a new cartoon. He moved and sat to the right of me and we started talking, ignoring the cartoon completely.

Paul started asking me if I loved him, because he loved me. He wants to make me happy. I told him that Matt comes home in two days and I was looking forward to wearing his ring. He asked if I was happy with that and I told him ‘yes.’ I looked him in the eye, trying to be stern, but compassionate of his feelings at the same time. He then leaned forward and kissed me lightly. I was shocked and just stared at him.

“Why did you do that?” I asked.

Paul blinked and said, “You looked like you wanted to be kissed.”

Ok, I’ve been lonely, but I sure as hell didn’t want a kiss from him.

Paul started to get bolder. He went to tickle me and I curled into a fetal position trying to keep my sides away from him. He moved and lay on top of me, pinning me down. He said I was stuck and had no where to go. I was getting scared... he was alot bigger than me... stronger even... he was right...

I don’t remember the order of things after that. It was to the point that I started to say things to get him distracted and off of me. I said something like “If I didn’t have Matt, I’d consider you.”

There was more of the same, Paul trying to tickle and grab at my waist. All the while asking me questions about Matt and my happiness. His hands started to roam further. He started to grab at my chest more than once and quite often his hands found themselves reaching between my legs. Turns out my old ex, Ryan, told him where my “spot” was and Paul started to go for that as well. I was now occupied with warding off attacks on my sides, chest, legs and ears…

I would pull his hands away saying “no” and “how about not” which is my polite way of saying no to friends. He didn’t get the hint. I again resorted to curling into a fetal position… my last defense. I was too scared to do anything else. No matter how many times I said “no” he kept talking about how badly he wanted to put his fingers places they shouldn't be… He was begging to… He asked if I would flash him… He asked if he could watch me play with a dildo he had purchased for his ex-girlfriend… He told me about how he could make me scream…

Paul: “It’s a great opportunity… I could make you scream.”
Me: “So? I have a prime opportunity when Matt comes home this weekend too.”
Paul: “Two for the price of one.”

Then he kept bringing up Matt…

Paul: “Are you happy with him?”
Me: “Yes.”
Paul: “He can’t always be there for you.”
Me: “I know.”
P: “I’m single now, and I’m right here.”
M: “I know.”
P: “I want to make you happy.”
M: “…but I can’t make you happy in that way.”
P: “Are you sure?”
M: “It would be for the wrong reasons.”
P: “Are you sure there’s nothing there?”
M: “Yes, I’m sure.”
P: “Positive?”
M: “Positive.”
P: “Sure?”
M: “Yes.”

He wouldn’t be quiet about how horny he was and how he wanted to touch me…. I feel sick… it’s gross… I can’t help but shiver thinking about it. A friend wouldn’t do this would he? A friend who knows I have a boyfriend of a year and a half waiting for me.

He just kept asking if I was going to be happy with what I was planning. I kept saying yes, I was going to be happy. He asked once that if he were Matt, whether I would kiss him or not. I said that if he were Matt, I would kiss him and he gave me a devious look. I tagged onto my statement that I wasn’t going to pretend that he was Matthew either.

I said “no” so many times to him… he didn’t stop talking or touching me. I can still fell his hands on me, touching... pulling me to him.... A good friend would have stopped… right?

I want to scream and beat something… I don’t know what to feel…

I still see him, but we don't talk much after a big fight last summer about this event and other issues. Whenever he's near, I can still almost FEEL his gaze... it's VERY unnerving especially since none of my other friends see it as a huge deal. I can't get away from him without getting away from all of them.

I can't trust guys anymore, with the exception of my boyfriend, Matthew. Everytime a guy gets near me, I tense up and get scared that he'll try the same thing. I'll pull friends in close to me emotionally without the ability to be near them comfortably. My friends(mostly guys) and I will go away and end up getting packed into a small car... I can only stare out the window because they're too close. Outside is freedom to run away and disappear, inside is just another place where I'm stuck with no place to run to.

I've taken to a few bad habits since last summer. Not smoking or drinking, I value my brain cells, but when I can't handle things, my skin tends to suffer. Usually I can write my way out of my depression, but I've had plenty of nights alone in my mind.

How can I learn to trust again?

P.S. I'm so sorry for how long this is.
Comments 
10th-Jan-2005 07:59 pm (UTC)
First of all, there's no need to apologize. Write as much as you need to, as often as you need to. It helps.

I can relate to your trust issues quite a bit. I still have a hard time trusting some men, but it's getting better. Usually it's only men that have certain physical characteristics, or behavioural traits. Anyway, the best advice I can give is to take your time. This isn't going to go away overnight, and it's okay. It's absolutely alright for you to feel the way you do after what you've been through. It's okay to be hurt and scared, and it's okay to cry.

What worked best for me was to set small goals for myself, and give myself plenty of time to reach them. I used to get so frustrated with myself for not being able to "just get over it," but now I know that that's okay. Take small steps, one at a time, and in time, you'll be miles ahead of where you are now.

I think it's great that you've got such a supportive boyfriend to help you through all of this. I've got a Matt too, actually, and he's been such a great source of strength for me when I've needed it : )

If you ever want or need to talk to someone outside of the situation, someone who's been through similar things, I'd be willing to be there for you. Just let me know, and I'll tell you how you can get in contact with me, okay?
10th-Jan-2005 09:05 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( My name is Laura, I'm 17 too. You'll learn how to trust again, it's just takes time and love from people who really care about you. I was sexually assaulted four years ago and just last week I was able to call myself a survivor, not a victim. You're lucky you have a great boy friend to support you. My boyfriend of three years was mentally abusive...started out great...but quickly went downhill. He broke up with me two weeks before Christmas. Anyway...I'm here for you whenever you want someone to talk to who can identify with you. It is a big deal. It upset you, made you uncomfortable, and like you said a real friend wouldn't have done that to you. Don't let people tell you you're just making a big deal out of nothing. Like I said I'm hear for you! :) You can send me a e-mail if you want at laurelflower87@hotmail.com

::Hugs::
Laura
10th-Jan-2005 09:32 pm (UTC)
i agree with the other 2 posts... you can ALWAYS post here as much as you like, as often or as little as you like. we're a community and we're here to support each other.

yes, you have every reason to be upset. what paul did was very wrong, and it hurt you very deeply. i understand your trust issues as well... i don't like to be touched by anyone i don't trust 110%, and even those people, they're all women. too many times i've been hurt by men. i got to learn to trust them again... becuase i dream of the day i have the supportive boyfriend like you do in matt.

do you have any type of expert, mentor, professional, or anyone experienced in this field you could talk to? i know that my supports on campus helped me piece my life back together... people who "get it" and are there with you every step of the way. i'm a trained advocate and activist, as well as being a survivor. if there is anything i can do to help, please let me know. my email is dgkatie06@hotmail.com

also... your bad habits. skin tends to suffer. i'm not sure if i'm reading you right or not... but if you are implying habits of a more self-harm pattern... i understand. i've been there... it's not uncommon really. it's just not talked about. but you're not alone, that i promise.
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