faerie elfgirl (faerie_elfgirl) wrote in _survivors_,
faerie elfgirl

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Ive been a member here for awhile but havent posted other then to say hello. I finally got the nerve up tonight to post about myself and my life I think.

My name is Allison, im 15 years old and live in SC. When I was 5 years old my grandmother died and my grandfather came to live with me and my parents. After he moved in he started abusing me sexually sometimes every day. I remember in the beginning I really didnt know any better. He would be home with me all day while my parents work. He would get me to watch porn videos with him and then he would get me to play "movie star" by doing the things Id watched in the movie. I was young and dumb and did all of the things he told me to do. He would use mental tricks to keep me from telling my parents. He would make me think that if they found out, id be the one that got into trouble, not him. Again I was dumb and believed him but I was also scared a lot back then because my Dad is the type that uses a belt when Im in trouble. When I was as young as 5 years old my Granddad would give me alcohol to drink and taught me to smoke cigarettes and such as that, and he'd talk about how grown up I was and pay me a lot of attention. And then he'd tell me I'd get in trouble if my parents found out I did these things. So I was always scared to tell my parents anything we did together when we were alone. After awhile he saw I wasnt going to tell on him and he started doing more and more to me and a lot of the things he did hurt. Id try to fight him and run away and hide but he'd always win. After i scratched him one of the first times I fought back he started tying my hands behind my back with a bandana before he did things to me from then on. There were times he had his friend there when this was going on and they both did this same stuff to me. After I started school we werent alone together as much except during breaks but he'd always figure out a way to get me alone with him when he could. And then when summer break would come around it would start all over again.

This went on for three years up until I was 8 yrs old. That year he was roofing our house and fell off and got hurt very badly. He was in the hospital several months and has lived in assisted living ever since. At the time I felt that God had struck him down because of the things he did to me.

I've been messed up pretty much my whole life because of this stuff. By the time I was 10 I was doing things with guys that i knew I shouldnt have but it seemed like a way to get attention. Im 15 now, on medications for depression, I cut myself a lot, I drink a lot and smoke a lot of weed. But nothing really seems to make me feel any better.

One of the things that bothers me the most is that he was my moms father. Ive told myself all my life that I was sure my parents had no idea of what he did to me. Last year I found some letters that my mother had recieved from her sister. In the letters she mentioned my Granddad abusing them when they were children. So since that time Ive been crushed in an entirely different way wondering how my mom couldve left me alone with him, knowing how he was. Ive never confronted her about any of this because in a lot of ways, I really dont want to know.

Anyway..... this is my life!

Tags: abuse: child, abuse: csa, abuse: incest, introductions
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