ever_me (ever_me) wrote in _survivors_,

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I am feeling pensive today. How do you begin telling stories that are so long you need several books to tell them? Where do you start? The most vivid memories? The beginning (whereever that is?) The most dramatic? The easiest? My life has been filled with so many unbeliveable events I always wonder... would anyone even believe me? I think my biggest fear was being locked up for being crazy... I mean how do you tell people things that are so raw that you block them out of your mind as much as possible. What scares me the most is the floodgate. You know how when you start telling a story you remember more and more details. I have been more and more "obsessed" lately with talking to someone about my memories. But mine isn't one person, or one incident or even one type of abuse. Most of it was physical--but there are so many years of violation I just don't know how to start... or where to finish. Not sure really why I am writing this even, not like anyone has any answers... there aren't any answers, right? Just more questions. Think I just needed to vent. You know everytime I start to feel pulled to talk I find about a Billion things that just have to be done first. I really don't want to start counseling. The idea freaks me out, Pandora's box and all... but maybe there is no other way to start. I wish there was a book I could do-- like Courage to Heal that helped with living through a childhood of insanity. The only thing I have found so far is the Bible. Which probably saved my life. But I feel I need more. Just not sure where to go from here? Does anyone else 'get' that? The one thing I have found is that I am certainly not alone-- that helps more than you know. THANKS for being here.
Tags: abuse: sexual, memories, telling others
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