priestmatthias (priestmatthias) wrote in _survivors_,
priestmatthias
priestmatthias
_survivors_

Hello again

For years I had nightmares of my mother, she was the one who physically abused me for years. In my nightmares I would attempt to defend myself by hitting back, but the hits would either not make contact, or would just have no result if contact was made. I was put on a medication to help with my stress which is believed to be PTSD, and in October I was able to visit with my Father (parents were not together since the age of four, and he was on the other side of the country) resulting in a lot of closure with many issues. Since then when I have a "nightmare" I can defend myself, and other times when I speak she actually listens. It's a major change and I'm thankful for that.

Now I just really have to find a psychologist to talk to. No one knew the extent of what I went through, so now when I tell them it leads to others crying. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just sick of the weight and sick of the secrets.

There of course is much, much more to my story than that, but I don't want to hog up space here, or worse make someone else recall something bad from their own past.

How do others come to peace or some sort of resolve over this? I know lots of people who have been abused sexually, but no one who was beaten, so I have no one who could tell me. I'm doing much better now. It just all came to a very horrible point in 2001 when my ex-wife left me, my department and myself were let go from the company, and the passing away of my grandmother. After that happened the stress of my past pretty much combined with the situation and tore me apart in an instant. I began to have a studder at times, became too afraid to speak to anyone, and became a shell of a person. Now as I said I am much better. Still I am at a point where I need to figure out what I do with the memories. I even wonder what can be done, since all in all the beatings are over. So, I don't know what happens from here.
Tags: abuse: child, abuse: physical, female abusers, male survivor
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