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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
why is this true? my horoscope for today 
1st-Jan-2007 09:22 am
fuck it
Don't expect today to be a low-key and relaxing day, for your restlessness is likely get you up and going even if you stayed out late last night. Unfortunately, you could waste too much energy without really enjoying yourself. Instead of getting involved with distracting activities, try to accomplish something useful without taking on too much.



I'm sick of not being able to sleep. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of this life sometimes. I tell myself to stay positive, life will improve, life is always making changes. I have a wonderful husband, we own our house (well with the bank). I have a great job (which i'm terrified i will get fired) and in many ways we have a great life. Yet I can't sleep. I can't function without sleep. Its a vicious cycle. And it apparently goes back to my 'childhood trauma'. *sigh*
I havnt been able to sleep without sleeping pills since i was 12. Everyone just told me I was a 'night owl', that once I got on a regular schedule it will be better. Yet its not. I'm up and have been for several hours. I went to bed at 2am. I woke up repeatedly. I should be sleeping. Insead its just me and my cats at the momment (hell even the dog is asleep).
Sleep is such a wonderful factor of our lives. Except many of us know its not. It allows us to dream, remember, feel without the ability to restrain. I dream of the future, its a family thing. Not like those people on tv, I can't control it. I rarely get something that might save alife or anything crazy like that. Just little bits of future days. Maybe I would get more if i slept. In a week i average about 20 hours of sleep. My docs say i should get 9 a night. great. so i just need to come up with 43 more hours of sleep.
Everything in my life cycles back to my 'childhood trauma'. ok yes, my childhood sucked. It was shitty. Yet people had it a hell of alot worse than me. Don't put me in a box. I've delt with my childhood, i've been in therapy for years. All therapy told me was that my mom's problems were my fault. excellent freuidan work. way to fuck up a kid. "if you didnt demand so much... If you behaved better..." So many excuses for my mother's problems.
Sexual abuse, oh lets not even go there! you enticed the boy (yeah thats bullshit). well it happened to him, so he needs help. You... well i cant believe I had to come home from work for this (go dad, way to make me feel like you are an aprochable guy). God. What bullshit is this?
I can't sleep. I want to sleep. The doctor thinks that as a child I *trained* myself to stay awake. That it might take months to get me 'normal' but don't worry, it will come. One day I can sleep with my husband and not fear I will wake him.
Comments 
1st-Jan-2007 05:29 pm (UTC)
no one should be making excuses for the people who hurt you, least of all your therapist. that's completely fucked up and wrong. i hope you receive the kind of support and advice you need from people like your husband, not from those idiots who don't know what they're saying.

your doctor's theory is interesting. just try to keep believing that time is all you need- perhaps he's right and you just have to move further away from those events to feel settled enough to sleep. if i could give you a magic pill for insomnia i would. i've had bouts with it before and it is so frustrating and draining. hang in there, things will look up.
1st-Jan-2007 07:01 pm (UTC)
As far as sleeping goes, I have the opposite problem: when I am deepest in my emotional mire, i sleep and sleep and feel like I can't wake up. Trust me, that is a scary feeling...

I am pissed that your therapists made excuses for those who victimized you... There are no excuses for them, despite the fact that they may very well have there own problems; their issues have very little to do with you. The therapists' job was to help you sort out your difficulties...
1st-Jan-2007 07:21 pm (UTC)
It's *not* your fault that other people hurt you. And it angers me incredibly that any therapist would tell you this. It's irresponsible, cruel, and downright not true. Each person can only be responsible for his/her own decisions, feelings, and actions--not anyone else's. The people who hurt you chose to hurt you, and that was wrong. It doesn't make you bad, guilty, responsible, etc.

If I were you, I'd go looking for a new therapist, one who has considerable experience working with abuse survivors. And if s/he starts blaming you, leave and keep looking till you find someone who won't. As long as you're stuck in the cycle of self-blame, you can't continue to heal.

*hugs*

Sara
1st-Jan-2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
don't worry, i'm not with any of those therapists anymore. it just took a long time for me to realize that they were wrong.
2nd-Jan-2007 01:27 am (UTC)
I, too, have a chronic battle with being able to sleep. It's a tough thing to face because when you're exhausted, it's so much harder to be able to cope with everyday stresses, and it makes it even harder to cope with processing things from your past.

I'm sorry that therapy tried to blame you for the abuse - it's never your fault that someone chooses to hurt you. Though we need to learn new coping skills and methods of establishing boundaries with people in our life, it's not our fault if someone chooses to hurt or abuse us - it's always their fault.

Don't get too caught up in "someone else had it worse" - something that is traumatic is something that is traumatic, and your body will react similarly to someone else's traumatic experiences regardless of what type or severity of trauma. You're just as entitled to have insomnia issues as anyone else is ::big safe hugs::
2nd-Jan-2007 01:55 am (UTC)
Your therapist told you that shit!?! Your therapist is completely out of line and downright wrong. You are not to blame for the abuse you suffered. You did nothing wrong, you didn't "entice" anyone, you didn't bring it on yourself be behaving poorly, you didn't do anything to do deserve it. I hope you get a new therapist, because whoever you were (or are) seeing is a quack, imo. He or she doesn't deserve to have a license to practice.

Just because others had it worse doesn't mean what you went through wasn't bad. I understand what you're saying though, because I've often felt the same way--that because my stuff wasn't as horrible as some other people's, I shouldn't be affected by it or complain about it. The truth is though, it did affect me, it was abusive, and I do have a right to talk about it, and the same is true for you. Abuse and trauma isn't easy to heal from, no matter what form it took.

I have the same fear, that I'll be fired from my job. No matter how good things go, no matter how well I'm doing, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
3rd-Jan-2007 03:47 am (UTC)
i'm so sorry you have a hard time with sleep. it does sucks not to be able to get a good sleep every night. sending you lots of hugs.
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