I'm sick of not being able to sleep. I'm sick of doctors. I'm sick of this life sometimes. I tell myself to stay positive, life will improve, life is always making changes. I have a wonderful husband, we own our house (well with the bank). I have a great job (which i'm terrified i will get fired) and in many ways we have a great life. Yet I can't sleep. I can't function without sleep. Its a vicious cycle. And it apparently goes back to my 'childhood trauma'. *sigh*
I havnt been able to sleep without sleeping pills since i was 12. Everyone just told me I was a 'night owl', that once I got on a regular schedule it will be better. Yet its not. I'm up and have been for several hours. I went to bed at 2am. I woke up repeatedly. I should be sleeping. Insead its just me and my cats at the momment (hell even the dog is asleep).
Sleep is such a wonderful factor of our lives. Except many of us know its not. It allows us to dream, remember, feel without the ability to restrain. I dream of the future, its a family thing. Not like those people on tv, I can't control it. I rarely get something that might save alife or anything crazy like that. Just little bits of future days. Maybe I would get more if i slept. In a week i average about 20 hours of sleep. My docs say i should get 9 a night. great. so i just need to come up with 43 more hours of sleep.
Everything in my life cycles back to my 'childhood trauma'. ok yes, my childhood sucked. It was shitty. Yet people had it a hell of alot worse than me. Don't put me in a box. I've delt with my childhood, i've been in therapy for years. All therapy told me was that my mom's problems were my fault. excellent freuidan work. way to fuck up a kid. "if you didnt demand so much... If you behaved better..." So many excuses for my mother's problems.
Sexual abuse, oh lets not even go there! you enticed the boy (yeah thats bullshit). well it happened to him, so he needs help. You... well i cant believe I had to come home from work for this (go dad, way to make me feel like you are an aprochable guy). God. What bullshit is this?
I can't sleep. I want to sleep. The doctor thinks that as a child I *trained* myself to stay awake. That it might take months to get me 'normal' but don't worry, it will come. One day I can sleep with my husband and not fear I will wake him.