omnamahshivaya (omnamahshivaya) wrote in _survivors_,
omnamahshivaya
omnamahshivaya
_survivors_

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looping

I have a question. I was fifteen minutes late to my therapy appointment yesterday. I woke up at 8, fell back to sleep. woke up at 10:18 and had to be on other side of city in a suburb far away by 11. i chose to take a quick shower, because I went two days without one. I got there at 11:10, but by the time the receptionist called me in it was 11:15 and she did not even want to call my therapist telling me to reschedule. I told her that is up to him not her, and that traffic was really bad. she added the car accident thing. I just used it and lied. felt so guilty that i left him a message later confessing to the lie. I still had an ear infection in my ear, and went to after hours later and it has been there since Thursday last week, and the drops I have been using did not work all the way. I was ill, and I feel compelled to leave an other message telling him so he understands why I fell back to sleep. as I type, my right ear is ringing loudly and hurting me. My energy is better. I was sleeping all day. glad I have vacation time....

my question is this: I keep replaying my few minutes in his office. I let him read the previous post that I copy pasted into my text editor to share with him the stuff that happened on xmas. My question is, why do I keep replaying and looping my sessions, and try to analyze everything to death..... it is not just this, but other things that upset me. Is this part of the PTSD? To loop and obsess and replay things until you think you get what it means on as many levels as possible? i see his face, i see his tie, I see his watch, I hear his voice, I think about what words he chose..... and I wonder why.

I was scared to go yesterday any ways. he is helping me get through trauma. i am scared. I am becoming scared of him! do i tell him? it is not rational.
Tags: anxiety, ptsd, seeking opinions, therapy
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