Ashley (kurai_tenshi21) wrote in _survivors_,
Ashley
kurai_tenshi21
_survivors_

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a letter to my parents after a christmas incounter

 so I have something to say that may never be seen by the ones I want to say this too. Its to my parents after going to go see them the other day. It hurt and I know I really shouldn't have gone to go see them... But...they are my only family here... And I couldn't go home to mystic. I feel so left out during the holidays when everyone has there family and I have none that really doesn't count as a family considering all that they have put me through. This is all old news. I've just had to get this out. And may they never see this letter.

You expect so much of me when you never ask that I'm ok. You were the ones that beat me, raped me, screamed at me that I should have never exsisted. And yet you expect me that I should come back to your home with open arms. I'm scared of you people. I'm scared of the same treatment. I'm scared of past repeating. So I run. I hide behind closed door. I put miles between us. And when I try to do the right thing during the holidays I still get shut down. You were my parents. Now you are just scum. I asked for help, and you turned me away.

You never ask if I'm ok
The knife in my wrist will take your place
You're slipping farther away now
I'm starting to break, I can't take it

The pressure is building inside of me
The tension is taking over
I know that I'm strong enough to see
It's not about me


I know that what ever issues that you have with me, is within yourself. Its taken me months to realise this. I know that I can't expect anything great from you, and I also know that we probably can't ever have a decent relationship even though you are my family ever again. Because of YOUR faults, not mine. They emotional abuse I put myself through, was wrong for me to do so to myself. All because I thought It was my fault, I thought I deserved it. And now I know that I don't. I'm better off with out you. Otherwise I will just fall back into the pit of being self abusive. Something that I am honestly still trying to get over because of the scarring of my soul because of you guys. But I am working on it, and I can't do that with you in my life. Please understand this.

I cant believe a word you say
That pressure is taking over
I don't know how much I can face, with you
I don't know how much I can take
Despite all the changes you go through

The pressure is building inside of me
The tension is taking over
I know that I'm strong enough to see
It's not about me

No no no


The words you speak to me mean nothing. Because when I begin to believe them, I always get hurt. My mind always get reverted back to how it was at the begining. And I've moved up and on with my life. I've got my own place, my own job, my own bills to pay. All stuff that I can consider my own. With out your help. Your words were clear a year ago. Don't come back, a week later you begged for me to come back To your so called home. Reason being- to be your personal punching bag again. You still ask for me to move back in to your household. But will I never. I will never return to the hell that I endured there. I may ask to have some communication. Because you are my parents by blood. That is and would be the only reason.

You never asked if I'm ok
You never wanted me this way
You never asked if I'm ok
I never meant to be this way

The pressure is building inside of me
The tension is taking over
I know that I'm strong enough to see
It's not about me

I look in your eyes and you cannot hide
What I've come to open up
No words of restriction, just words of conviction
It's not about me

The pressure


The pressure that I endure with out you in my life is high enough already, Don't pressure me to come visit you, I'll come when I feel like it. Right now I have to heal the wounds you gave me over the seven years that I lived you the three of you. Just know that I still care enough to let you know this. This is how I feel. And this is how it's going to be done.
Sincerely.
~Your Daughter

I just had to post this. Sorry if this is old news to my friends. If you guys do choose to read this.
I'm done now with the past stuff. A new year is begining soon. And to this, i will not dwell.
For now good-bye. With hope.
~ashley
Tags: family, letter: empowering, letter: venting
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