Merrigan (blueeyedgal81) wrote in _survivors_,

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I think this is the first time that I've posted in this community, but I have been lurking for a long time. I felt that I should post because I feel that I'm starting to have some issues with my past once again. This is my story, copied from another entry. It's sometimes too much to try and write it all out again.

My aggressor actually was my partner who I stayed with for nearly four years despite the abuse. He had pressured me to sleep with him early in the relationship and I had issues with this because I had chosen to wait until marriage. I eventally consented reluctantly. We still didn't do it frequently and this irritated him. After a few times, he wanted to be more adventurous and try new positions that I knew I would be uncomfortable doing. I kept saying no and he would always get mad. Eventually he just forced himself on me and forced me into one of the positions. It hurt, like something was ripping at me. I was in denial for so long afterwards. I didn't want to admit that it could happen to me. I kept screaming and crying for him to stop. Evenutally he did, but he wasn't sorry. He was mad at me for not enjoying it. He would still force himself on me from time to time. In particular, I started to dread his birthday, when he was drunk, when we argued (because he believed he had the right to demand more during make-up sex), and when I returned to our place after visiting my family (who lived in a different city) for a few weeks. He was more agressive and forceful particularly during these times. If he did not completely force himself on me, he would just do certain things without asking me fully knowing that I didn't like them. His philosophy was that I should have been willing to do things to make him happy even if I didn't like them or was not comfortable with them. It was only towards the end that I realized I didn't have to take it. In addition, there were also aspects of emotional and physical abuse on the relationship. I came home to my parents' place during the summer of 2005 and decided that I was not going back. I ended the relationship in writing (because I just could not see him or hear his voice at this point). I was having so many panic attacks. I was afraid to check my e-mail because I was always afraid he would send nasty messages to me (which he did occasionally). His angry phone calls would sometimes leave me shaking.

I originally wrote this about a year ago. Since then I have started into a great career in education, begun a new relationship with a great guy and have gone to counseling. But sometimes I still feel as degraded, angry and depressed as I did when I first left my ex. There are still certain parts of the day where I think about it and I'm enraged.
I particularly think back to it when I'm in the shower (basically anything that requires me to be completely exposed). I just feel the need to stay covered up as much as possible adn even a year and a half later, I don't think that part of it has improved at all. I discussed this when I was counseling. It must have comeup at every session. But there has been no improvement when it comes to this. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Also, are there any ways to deal with the remaining anger after some time has passed? dso I basically just have to wait for it to stop hurting as much? I have tried things such as yoga and meditiation. I get worried about my temper. I'm very snappy when someone does some behaviour that reminds me of what my ex used to do. It's just so difficult as I was naturally an emotional person even before this happened. I would love to hear about anything that you all have used to cope with the residual anger after a lot of time has passed.

Tags: abuse: emotional, abuse: physical, abuse: sexual, coercion, healing, introductions, processing, rape: intimate partner, relationships, seeking opinions, seeking support

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