Mia (mianme) wrote in _survivors_,
Mia
mianme
_survivors_

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I hate feeling like this

Okay,
I know I shouldn't stress about this, but I do every year.
I should just do what I want and forget what other people think. But I think that my need to please and not let anyone down really makes this hard. I feel guilty and I shouldn't.

So...
 Here is the short version.
My step father was/is an alcoholic. He was very abusive when I was growing up. He beat my mother and brothers. He caused my mom to have at least two mis-carriages.
He never hit me, but he was verbally and sexually abusive to me. 
He married my mom in the fall of 6th grade. By that spring he was displaying himself to me on a regular basis. He would touch and rub me innappropriately. He talked of wanting me to have his child and buying me sexy lingerie. He spied on me when I was changing or showering.
I used to have to kiss him goodbye when I left for school in the morning. I feel so disgusting right now even thinking of it. I don't think I will ever be able to be with a man who has a beard or even a bit of scruff.
My mother stayed married to him even after I told her about it.
She is still married to him. 
Needless to say, I do not go home often.
I do go for the holidays, but just for a few hours.
Now... here is the part that is my problem...
I feel obligated to get him a gift just because he is there. I did not get him anything last year. And in the past I have gotten very unpersonal items, like a coffee mug. Or things for my mother that she could shre with him if she wanted.
I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. And I don't know why.
I guess part of me wants to pretend like everything is okay. And by getting him a gift it would show that I have moved on and he does not control me or my decisions. But then, not getting him a gift would show that I don't even think of him and he is insignificant.
Which of course both are not completely true.
I still feel disgusting when I think of him and I can't imagine ever not feeling that way.
So, what do I do?
Do I get him a gift? Do I ignore him? Do I do nothing?
Tags: abuse: child, abuse: incest, abuse: physical, abuse: sexual, abuse: verbal, contact with abuser, family, molestation, seeking opinions, seeking support
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