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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I hate feeling like this 
19th-Dec-2006 09:00 am
Okay,
I know I shouldn't stress about this, but I do every year.
I should just do what I want and forget what other people think. But I think that my need to please and not let anyone down really makes this hard. I feel guilty and I shouldn't.

So...
 Here is the short version.
My step father was/is an alcoholic. He was very abusive when I was growing up. He beat my mother and brothers. He caused my mom to have at least two mis-carriages.
He never hit me, but he was verbally and sexually abusive to me. 
He married my mom in the fall of 6th grade. By that spring he was displaying himself to me on a regular basis. He would touch and rub me innappropriately. He talked of wanting me to have his child and buying me sexy lingerie. He spied on me when I was changing or showering.
I used to have to kiss him goodbye when I left for school in the morning. I feel so disgusting right now even thinking of it. I don't think I will ever be able to be with a man who has a beard or even a bit of scruff.
My mother stayed married to him even after I told her about it.
She is still married to him. 
Needless to say, I do not go home often.
I do go for the holidays, but just for a few hours.
Now... here is the part that is my problem...
I feel obligated to get him a gift just because he is there. I did not get him anything last year. And in the past I have gotten very unpersonal items, like a coffee mug. Or things for my mother that she could shre with him if she wanted.
I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. And I don't know why.
I guess part of me wants to pretend like everything is okay. And by getting him a gift it would show that I have moved on and he does not control me or my decisions. But then, not getting him a gift would show that I don't even think of him and he is insignificant.
Which of course both are not completely true.
I still feel disgusting when I think of him and I can't imagine ever not feeling that way.
So, what do I do?
Do I get him a gift? Do I ignore him? Do I do nothing?
Comments 
19th-Dec-2006 05:35 pm (UTC)
In my opinion, if getting him a gift makes you feel less anxious you should do it. You should do everything in your power to make yourself feel comfortable. Obviously you owe this man nothing. So if you do it do it for your own peace of mind.

But getting him a gift does not mean you are saying what he did was okay.

Getting something for your mom that they can share is a pretty good idea if you dont want to get him anything seperately.

19th-Dec-2006 05:59 pm (UTC)
You are not obligated to get him anything, but do what you feel is best.

I agree with fire_fox01, that if you do get him a gift, it does not mean that what he did was okay.
19th-Dec-2006 06:53 pm (UTC)
Get him a box from Tiffany's and fill it with dog shit and be done with it.
19th-Dec-2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
Excellent!
19th-Dec-2006 08:42 pm (UTC)
You need not get him anything, and there is no reason on earth for you to feel guilty. Getting past something does not mean that you ever, ever have to be nice to the guy. You also need not visit him, holidays or no. If you wish to maintain a relationship with your mother, let her come to you, or meet her away from him.

There's no reason why you should have to continue to suffer this man's presence, ever. You have every right to be free of it.

-Dira-
19th-Dec-2006 08:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you
:)
19th-Dec-2006 08:51 pm (UTC)
Thank you all. It's good to get support.
I'm not sure what I will do yet, but I do feel more relaxed about it.
19th-Dec-2006 09:28 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry he did all that to you, and that he's still in your life.

I second the opinion of a lot of folks - do what feels best for you. You don't owe him anything, and if it makes you feel better to give him an unpersonal gift, then do that, but if it makes you feel best to ignore him, do that. Whatever you choose, it should be about *you*, since so much of your interactions with him have been all about what he wanted. If nothing else, reclaim that choice from him - do what suits you best, his input on this is entirely secondary - your choice first
19th-Dec-2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
This is terribly rude of me to say...

But why go visit your mother and this man, holidays or not, when neither of them obviously consider what is best for you? I mean, unless you're going to visit the whole family (like aunts, uncles, etc) and your mother and this man just happen to be there.

Does your father know about it, or is he unfortunately out of the picture?

Either way, we are here to support you 100%. You need to think of what is best for YOU. It feels selfish, and it sounds selfish, but it is not selfish at all. It is a reactionary response to a selfish act and it is the healthiest response. If they won't do what's best for you, YOU do what's best for you.

One of my professors, in relation to ethical decisions, would always say, "Make the choice that allows you to face yourself with respect in the morning."

Best of luck to you. *hugs*
19th-Dec-2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
My brothers and their families will be there as well. I have 3 younger brothers and one older brother, 2 sister-in-laws, and 4 nieces and nephews. So, I am really going to see all of them. He is just there.
My real father left when I was 2 years old. Haven't seen him since.
"Make the choice that allows you to face yourself with respect in the morning."
I like that.
Thank you
20th-Dec-2006 02:16 am (UTC)
Okay, well I am glad there are other people to visit.

♥ Take care.
20th-Dec-2006 03:03 am (UTC)
i would agree with others - do what you feel is right for you. lots of hugs.
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