brokenbeauty22 (brokenbeauty22) wrote in _survivors_,

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I really need help...Verbal Abuse?

After everything I've been through, I have a hard time accepting the term "verbal" abuse. I know it's real, I know it's bad, I grew up with it, but I just can't for some reason apply it to what's been happening in my own home...It's cut for length, language, and talk of rape, all of which could be triggering...

Husband gets angry often times about the rape, details of which can be found in my own personal journal somewhere towards the beginning. When he begins an argument with me over it he just yells over and over again that I wanted to sleep with my rapist, that I was stupid, I was an idiot, I made this mistake and this mistake. Yes, I did make mistakes, it was a friend who raped me, wich makes it hard to acknowledge, realize, and accept. I'm a "bitch" "slut" "whore" all of the above. It's not everyday, but it's every few weeks that this comes out of him. Monday night he called me a "lying cheating whore", and went on about how stupid I was, and how so much was my fault, how could I be so stupid. He goes and goes until I cry, then he'll ask me why I'm crying, followed by telling me to just stop crying, trying to make me sit up, and finally just leaving me alone. He'll go watch some tv, calm down, and then either come in and appologize, or wait for me to come out, and not say anything else about it that night. If I try and leave before I'm crying, he follows me yelling, insisting that we have to "talk" about this, but there isn't any talking, it's just making me feel bad for what happened. My counselor told me that this qualifies as verbal abuse, and that I need to report him, so he can go to anger managment. I'm scared. Is it really all that bad? Rationally I know, yes, it is, and he needs help, but I can't help but see how horrible the entire situation was surrounding the rape, and the confusion he's feeling. I have several factors that affected my memory at the time, including my rapist slipping me drugs, but I've never been able to find out what ones. The broken story line makes my husband angry, and that fact that I was at rapist's house for a week makes him think that I wanted to be there. I woke up twice there with scissors in my hand, once under a table, and another time in a spare room closet. This aren't signs of someone who wanted to be in there situation. The night after my first rape I went to planned parent hood to report it and get EC, but somehow on the way became unsure if it had actually happened to me. My rapist insisted nothing had happend, that I'd passed out drunk, blah blah blah, but I didn't drink that much, a few sips of a mixed drink, then just a glass of plain cranberry juice. I went back to get my stuff, and the next thing I can remember was opening my eyes later that night with him on top of me, and asking him what he was doing.

All of this started at the beginning of the week, before I knew he was a bad man. I'd gotten very drunk and passed out, someone woke me up, and I said my husbands name, and the man, my rapist, said yes, and we stopped short of sex but that was it. I was pissed when I realized who it was, but getting away wasn't much of an option since walking was not happening. I woke up in a spare room, and he told me I'd been passed out the entire time, that I must have had a really weird dream. I found out later that it wasn't

And all of it is speculation because I can't remember huge gaps, and my rapist is a pathological liar who can't be trusted at all. So I know why my husband is upset, and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and just keep trying, but I know at the same time that I'm in a bad situation. How will I ever come to terms with my rape and move past it and deal with it if I have the person I love more than anything in the world saying all of the above to me?

What would you do?
What do you consider verbal abuse, vs losing your temper?
Tags: abuse: verbal, invalidation, rape: acquaintance/date, relationships, seeking support, victim-blaming
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