Hey, Well this is my first post here. I'm new to the LJ communities, i dont know if this is the best place to put this but i do need help and advice. Sorry if it triggers for anyone, or isn't the right spot to post this sort of thing. You can delete it if it is.
My names Austin, I’m 17 and still live with my Mum and younger brother. My dad has bipolar and just recently moved out. He’s pretty much gone out of his mind or something, but refuses to see a doctor. The last time I saw him was when I stopped him from physically abusing my mother. And he’s also verbally abused me as well at times. All my life I’ve had to see the emotional abuse, financial abuse, social abuse and some times the physical abuse my mum has been through while living with my father. It had always bothered me what he does to her, like any kid I hated it. But this one last rage of anger I can’t forget. It doesn’t leave my mind, the things he said, the way he looked, just everything. It stays in the back of my mind. It’s only been two weeks since he’s been gone. But already I’m feeling so much pain from it, I thought everything would be different once he was gone, I thought I’d be happier and wouldn’t hurt so much any more.
It’s having huge effects on me, it takes me about 7 hours to finally fall asleep. During the 7 hours I think none stop about what happened that night and once I do fall asleep I dream about it. I’m only getting about 4 hours sleep each night. This has left me feeling like absolute crap. I’m so exhausted now and I feel so down. Usually I’d just get over my problems and move on but I can’t seem to do it this time. I don’t know how to get it off my mind.
The other thing that has been on my mind a lot over the past month or so when things have gotten really bad around my house is my anger. A little bit of background on me, I’m pretty damn shy, I never speak my mind when it comes to my parents and I’m never violent. That night and a few nights before when I was arguing with my dad I completely lost it, he was right in my face yelling all sorts of abuse to my face and I couldn’t handle it so it eventually slipped out that I wanted to kill him. He started saying to me “come on boy hit me” I was that angry that I could of, my mum came out and told him to leave me alone and told me to go to my room and calm down. But right then and there as she was telling me to do that he stuck his tongue out in my face as if he had just gotten some kid he went to school with in trouble. So basically I went back to my room and punched a hole in the wall, I’ve never been so angry in my life. And that was the end of the fighting that night. The next day came, I hadn’t seen my dad since as he’d been at work, he got home as usual and had another go at me in my room. Started pushing me again and again saying “come on hit me” I refused to do it, but he kept on at me telling me to hit him until I just snapped and hit him. He then said to me “now your just like me”. Of course after this I was absolutely shattered. After that night I decided I just couldn’t fight with him any more, it was killing me so I just went on with life as if nothing had happened. Afew weeks later my dad got extremely mad at my mum and basically went at her, I stopped him and made sure he didn’t get any where near her. Theres no way I’d sit back and let him touch her. He was screaming abuse at me and mum. I ended up punching him again. He eventually left and I haven’t seen him since. Now what’s worrying me is my anger. Those times I punched him I just lost it, I didn’t feel a thing and I don’t even think I thought about what was going on at the time. After it I felt like complete shit, I don’t want to be like my father. Since it’s happened I just get so angry so easily, when I do I feel like I have to punch something so in the end I wack my hand up against the wall and it makes me feel better. I don’t like how I lose control, it worries me more then anything. I don’t understand how these events have changed my way of dealing with anger, it never used to be this way so why should it be now? I just want your opinions on this, I don’t fancy speaking with doctors and that but I know I probably will eventually. Am I just as bad as my dad for doing that?