I've pretty much decided that I want to confront my mother and say to her all the things I've been so terrified to say for so many years. It will either be the end of the relationship or the beginning of healing the relationship, and the choice will be hers. I've tried and tried and tried to make things right, and I've tried all the dance steps I know with her. I have nothing left to lose in the relationship anymore. I will put out there what I need to say; what my mother does with it after that will be up to her.
Ideally, I'd like to do this in my therapist's office with her present. My therapist has been on me lately to say things to my mother that I haven't said instead of holding them inside. I'm thinking I will write down everything I want to say beforehand so I don't get so caught up in the moment. Maybe take only half the session for the confrontation and the other half to send my mother out so I can collapse afterward and then process what happened. I dunno. I'm going to talk to my therapist next session and see what she has to say about it. I'm just too tired of dealing with my mother's crap to keep swallowing what I really want to say. However my mother chooses to react, at least it will be a step forward in my healing.