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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
My story 
26th-Nov-2006 06:05 pm


I am not sure I am ready to say what I am going to type, but at the same time I need to.
Two years ago me and my dad were in another fight. By this I mean I was being cussed at and called a stupid idiot as he was inches from my face. He would spit as he talked. I was told by my mom not to cry so I never did. I left my home and got in a truck with John. He is 6'6 and about 290.
I am 5'3 and 105.
We had a drink or two as we drove. He put his hand on my chest and started groping me as we were driving. I pushed his hand away and told him to stop. He drove to a secluded neighborhood. Parked by a lake, and got out to pee. I locked the doors. He opening them with a keyless entry. The second he got in the truck I begged him not to sleep with me. (I was a virgin, southern baptist, somewhat innocent)
He replied "It's not like I am going to f you"
He pulled down my pants. I put my hands over my underware and he finally pinned my arms under his knees. He stuck his hands inside of me, then his mouth, then he would try and shove his tongue in my mouth. Going back and forth. It hurt so much. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe with him on top of me. After a while a car pulled by and flashed its lights. He started the truck and took me home. I went inside and took a shower, feeling sick, dirty, and like a slut. He stole something that I had saved for my husband. He took my virginity and left me feeling like a whore.
I had to get that off, I had to take a shower. I went in at midnight and washed.
A week later, another fight with dad, I ran to the bathroom in tears. I didn't know waht to do and I couldn't cry. I found scissors and started cutting. I wanted to cut what was wrong with me out of me. I wanted to be so ugly so no one would ever touch me. I wanted to cut because I knew I was hurting but no one else did. I needed to communicate something and I couldn't.
Two years later and I am still silent. Mom and dad still hate eachother and dad was given a year to live, now the year is up. Mom with parkinson's dad with 15 percent of his heart. Neither in love.
The fighting doesn't stop and holidays make is worse. Two years since I started cutting, and since I was held down in the truck. 100 days on December the 2nd that I have chose not to Self Harm. I don't know how I can last. This Saturday, mom yelled and hurt me. Then sat beside me and I could feel her body tremor. The duality sucks. I found razor blades and cried, but didn't harm.
I feel lost and that scares me. I don't know if I can make it.
Comments 
27th-Nov-2006 12:54 am (UTC)
What happened to you was not your fault, you're not a slut or a whore.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you trying to cope with all that going on would be difficult for anyone, let alone someone whoes keeping a secret like you are and feeling bad about yourself. But there's no reason to feel bad about yourself you didn't do anything wrong what happened was in no way your fault.

I hope things improve for you.

27th-Nov-2006 04:19 am (UTC)
I know it wasn't my fault but at the same time I don't know. I am not sure that makes sense...haha. I appreciate your kindness. I know things will get better eventually, it just takes time.
Thank you

27th-Nov-2006 04:36 am (UTC)
It may seem like in hindsight that you could have done something more than you did, but really look at what happened he's a big guy and he took advantage of you. It's not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself for the actions of someone else.
27th-Nov-2006 01:53 am (UTC)
I'm really sorry this happened to you. You're not responsible for what the person did to you in his truck; he is.

I hope you stay safe from SI; it may seem like it helps now, but it really doesn't in the long run. It's been over 5 years since I've cut, but I still have the scars to remind me.
27th-Nov-2006 04:16 am (UTC)
5 years, wow. The scars for me have always been a source of shame. My left arm looks like it belongs to someone else. In fact I have to show it to my therapist/boss tomorrow to prove I have been SI free. It is a long road but when I hear that you can be successful it gives me hope.
Thank you
27th-Nov-2006 04:19 am (UTC)
I'm glad you have hope; you absolutely should. It was difficult, but I did it. All of your problems don't go away when you stop cutting, but it does make one less for you to worry about. You can stop for good; I know you can.
27th-Nov-2006 06:48 am (UTC)
i'm so sorry this happened to you. sending you lots of hugs.
27th-Nov-2006 08:00 am (UTC)
im so sorry... i'll be thinking of you these holidays, you can make it, i believe in you!
27th-Nov-2006 02:19 pm (UTC)
Is your father on hospice care?
27th-Nov-2006 04:35 pm (UTC)
No he isn't, because he is still smoking and living unhealthy the doctor said that there was nothing that can be done. He needs a transplant but they are unwilling due to his habit. A pace maker might be an option at somept
27th-Nov-2006 04:22 pm (UTC)
::big safe hugs:: That man chose to hurt you, and though I know why it makes you feel dirty, tainted, know that it was not your fault. It is our natural instinct to blame ourselves, as if it were our fault we were abused, then we're safe as long as we're always vigilant.

But the truth is that many people choose to hurt people, like that man hurt you, and like your dad chooses to hurt you. It's normal to blame yourself, or to feel like you did something to deserve the abuse, but it's not your fault.

Also, a friend of mine passed along something to me that I will pass to you: Your virginity is something that you must choose to give away. It is your choice to be with someone that marks that first time as special. You can lose your physical virginity (losing your hymen) from horseback riding, and your physical virginity is what that man took (amongst many other emotional things, I know)

It is *your* choice to have sex with someone that is special. It's okay to reclaim your virginity. You haven't chosen to have sex, and you choose to save that for someone that you love and trust. No one can take that from you.

Self harm is *so* hard to avoid when there's so much stress, and I'm so proud of you that you've made it 100 days without it. I know how hard that really is (I'm at 17 months so far, and it's so hard). If you do harm, just know that no one here is going to be disappointed in you. We are proud for every day that you can avoid it, that you can make a healthy coping choice, but if you make a mistake, if you slip up, it doesn't mean that you're bad or weak.

Something that helps me when I'm *really* having a hard time not harming, is an ice cube on my arm (or even just a really cold glass of water). It won't hurt you, but it will make your body react with that sense of peace like cutting brings. While that's usually the last option for me, it's something that's kept me from hurting myself when I had the blade ready.
27th-Nov-2006 07:45 pm (UTC)
I appreciate what you said. It is hard to take your virginity back when you feel worthless.
Self harm is a trap...it begins as something so innocent, and then it gets away from you. I started with scissors and ended with razor blades and a straightening iron. It is scary. In my job if I cut, I get fired. My therapist is my boss...so I have that pressure of I can't mess up. I am going to try the ice, especially when I feel like I need to hurt.
A therapist once told me everytime I cut I am raping myself over again...To me I wish they hadn't said that because cutting was a way to hurt in a tangible way and that is how I needed it to be.
I am healing, I just seem far away at the moment.
Thank you for your kindness
27th-Nov-2006 07:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah, my therapist said something similar to me about my self-harm, that I ended up hurting me instead of my abusers hurting me. that in a way I was acting for them each time I did it.

While I'm glad that her saying that helped me to stop cutting and burning, it also left me very little that I could do to cope when things got really, really bad. The ice thing works really well for me, as it snaps me back to reality without causing any damage.

It made my head feel clearer again so I could put all my other coping skills to use. It took me almost a year to feel secure using non-self-harm coping skills, but since then it's been a lot easier. And when I feel myself slipping, it's time for something cold. It's like nicotine gum for quitting cutting - something to calm the urge so you can learn what to do in its place.
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