Smashleen. (alekaattic) wrote in _survivors_,

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those three words i said too much, its not enough.

i have a confession... i'm not too proud.
i can't deal with this anymore, and i proved it to myself.
i tried to kill myself about four nights ago.
swallowed half a bottle of xanax... passed out for two hours, and that was it.
i wish i could. i wish for alot of things. i am so selfish.

but the pain.

i almost resorted to murder on saturday night... the dreaded ex. had a million panic attacks and was generally fucked up. he didnt care, he laughed at me. i should have killed him. but that would be evil and selfish and wrong. i can't control my rage. i ran away and screamed my lungs out at the park. if it werent for my amazing friends, things could have turned ugly. i havent eaten anything real in days. i want to waste away and just disappear. i refuse to put myself out there to be hurt again.

he has a new girl. joy. i feel so worthless. i just want to sleep forever, be lost in dreams and imaginings. be swept off in a tide of fantasies and just float, instead of drowning in misery and compempt. i want to feel alive, and i want to feel that kind of love again. but i can never take him back now.

is it possible to glue a broken heart back together like a smashed vase? just turn it around so the cracks don't show?

please don't think less of me... i'm a wreck *passes out*

..: : Would you lie with me and just forget the world? : :...
Tags: contact with abuser, relationships, suicide, suicide: attempted

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