_secretthoughts (_secretthoughts) wrote in _survivors_,

I am a very confused little girl...

I've written on my boyfriend a few times here in the past.

Well I broke up with him a few days ago. He never let me do it in person (blackmail, physical force, etc), so I just ended up leaving him stranded at the airport. I guess he was there for like 14 hours before anyone got him... he called my house (I live with friends and their parents) repeatedly all evening, and we had to unplug the phones, even though they said I wasn't there, and that I didn't want to talk to them.

I guess what made me make that decision is the fact that I realized that he doesn't give a SHIT about what I want or about my feelings or well being. I gave him a few hundred dollars that week, and then he just asked for more (which I didn't have), and I realized that, finally.

I spend SO LONG being conditioned by him, it was weird to get out. I'm not used to making my own decisions now, and I don't trust my own judgement. My self esteem is a lot lower than it was when I met him. I guess after being called a "selfish/stupid bitch" all the time (even though I gave him everything) it sorta began to sink in... I feel like he was programming me. I wonder if, when he first met me, he thought "SHE will be perfect... naive and easily programable!" He taught me how to make money, then has mooched off it for about the past 6 month or so.

He was abusive. He called me names. He said the most horrible things to me on a daily basis. He started doing it in front of people, and didn't seem to care because they weren't his friends. He hit me. He used to cover me with bruises on my arms and legs. When we took a 2 day trip to Vegas I came back with 20 bruises and 2 rug burns. A few times I actually just passed out and hit my head on the floor because I couldn't take it anymore... Sometimes he'd get worried and other times he would kick me when I was down. When I cried it would fuel his anger.

I supported him almost entirely. I bought his food, paid for his trips to see another girl, paid for his clothes, paid payments for the car (which he got to drive most of the time, couldn't get one in his own name because he has a DUI).

I did EVERYTHING for him and it still wasn't enough. I ditched my friends and family for him. So on Saturday when he got back from Florida, my friend called me and said her car was fucking up and she couldn't take me to pick him up (now I'm carless because of him too, btw), I sorta jumped at having an excuse to not pick him up. I told him I couldn't, and that he needed to find another way, and he FREAKED out. That's when he started calling my house nonstop. He even called the lady of the house a "fucking bitch" because she wouldn't give the phone to me. I guess that was sorta the last straw.

I'm glad I had my friends there with me. It was too much for them, but I guess that my judgement has gotten so screwy that I probably would have just taken it if it weren't for them. One of my friends is very good at giving me reality checks, and keeps giving them to me, and everything he says makes sense, and applies to my old morals (the ones I had before I met phillip). It's helped me a lot.

So after talking to him online for a few days (I refused to talk to him on the phone for a couple days) I decided to go meet up with him and spend the night...

So here's the story I get from him:

He's currently homeless and sleeping on the streets when he can't stay at a friend's place (and hasn't shaved in about 5 days). Now he's got a good job lined up and starts on Monday. He's getting a car within the next couple days.

Because of his assault in Florida (see entry here http://community.livejournal.com/_survivors_/659042.html [don't know the HTML offhand]), he started thinking and realized how important I am and how horrible he was to me and how he had been taking me for granted...

I guess when he was in Florida he FINALLY told his family and best friend (all of who are extremely rich and influential people) that we were engaged, and they were all very happy and want to meet me. I've always wanted to meet his family, and it seems like he's finally serious enough that he told them.

Long story short, if I get back together with him then I (supposedly) won't have to worry about money at all, or a place to live, or a car. And I'll be able to get back in school by next semester. And I'll be able to get into just about any college I want. He wants to get into relationship therapy and individual therapy (he's been saying this for months but never followed through). He wants to work on our relationship(seems sincere too).

So we spent the night together in a hotel room, and there was lots of talking and crying (mostly on his part). And (probably a mistake on my part) we had sex. It was passionate and amazing in a way, but it also felt odd, and maybe not quite right.

So I don't know whether to believe him or not, or halfway believe him, or what. I don't know how much of his story is real and accurate, and how much isn't. I don't know if I should give him one more try or not. It's not like he hasn't had enough chances though. I just never flat-out LEFT him like that before.

FUCK, if he had only done this 6 months ago. Or even a few weeks ago! But now I've started to detatch. I don't have the same feelings for him that I did. He's damaged the relationship too much with all his bullshit.

I guess I'm looking for other peoples' opinions because I don't trust my own. Part of me wants to give him one more chance (and that's it) and part of me just wants to save myself the trouble. I don't know if he'll start up his old shit again, or if he's really changed...
Tags: abuse: emotional, leaving abuser, seeking opinions

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