hollow_warrior (hollow_warrior) wrote in _survivors_,

hopefully not off topic, but on my mind

I've been in a good place lately. I passed through my two or three weeks of icky mentalness and came out on the other side feeling very clear headed. I also discovered why I have been feeling so flu like and tired for three months. Getting that sorted out does WONDERS for ones mindset. The verdict is: newly developed adult allergies. I have a new respect for allergy sufferers. I had no idea it could make you feel like you have the worst flu of your life. So I am on two meds and doing some holistic stuff and I feel 90% better. The first day the meds kicked in I was so crystal clear and wanted to dance.

Some things happened that helped me gain some mental clarity. Initially I thought they were going to muddy up the waters for me, but it ended up being very informative. I wrote earlier about an old flame comingback into my life and heavily flirting at a time when my partner and I are basically not having any sex. At first I was very confused. I remembered how I felt about this person long ago, but I did also remember why we never would have worked out. Anyway, I decided to see how the friendship would go while trying to keep a conscious eye on the situation.
Just last week my resolve was put to the test. The friend invited me to a delayed Halloween party. I ended up being the only one that showed up and I began to wonder if she had actually invited anyone else. She kept drinking and encouraging me to drink. She was flirting more and more as the night went on, and getting bolder. At one point she went upstairs and got changed into a scandalous catholic school girl outfit. She ended up trying to seduce me. She didnt physically touch me, but she set up a line and basically invited me to cross over it if I wanted to. A first it was flattering and frightening. I have to admit if I was single I would have gone for it. But it also kept magnifying everything that she once hurt me with. It reminded me of how much I respect my partner and how much I value what we have...even if we don't have much intimacy right now and there's no certain time frame of recovery.

I left the party feeling better about my partner and I, but feeling guilty about enjoying the flirtation. I didn't touch her, but I liked the attention. I liked that someone wanted me. I also felt slightly threatened. It was a strange thought process. I was yearning for a physical aspect with my partner, I was wondering what-ifs for others, but I was also intimidated by the idea of any sexual involvement. I wanted to push my partner about therapy because I am terrified of being in a limbo with her forever.

I told my partner about it a few days later. I didn't want to tell her, because I am generally a jealous girlfriend and I didn't want her to have "ammo" against me and my feelings. I knew I should tell her though, because I would want her to tell me and it just didnt seem like a healthy thing to keep to myself. What confused me was, she did not get jealous at all. Sometimes I wish she would get jealous. It would make me feel less insecure. But she did get angry about how I get jealous. She said I can't give her shit anymore about the women that hit on her at the summer festivals. She raised her voice, which she doesn't often do. Several women hit on her this summer and they felt like a valid threat to me, because my partner cannot be physical with me. She would never cheat on me, and I would never cheat on her, but the thought of her finding someone else attractive or wanting to be with someone else feels like a huge threat to me. She is angry at my jealousy and is frustrated by my insecurity, but I feel it is valid. I see myself having the right to jealousy because I'm always wondering what is wrong with me, why does she have this sexual block for me? It would probably be to anyone she was with...but what if it is just me?
So she got upset, and I hate that. She said she will bring this up if I ever give her a hard time about hanging around women that hit on her. That was my big fear. She says she is 100% confident in us as a couple. She doesn't know why I am so insecure. I often wonder if I would still feel this insecure if we had more intimacy.

I'm still feeling better about us, I am just frustrated with our different views, and I want change to come faster than a crawl. At least we are good to eachother during this crawl.
Tags: communication, fight with partner, guilt, relationships

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