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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Something that pisses me off 
12th-Nov-2006 11:07 am
O.~ -Sadie




A while ago, when a friend of mine said she was raped. Her friend (or ex friend) was angry at her over non rape related issues. A whole drama mess i will not get into. But i had become involved and was defending my friend. (I've learned since to not get so involved with drama, but it was something i experienced that this person had done to the other that made me uncomfortable and felt the need to defend her). Anyway. After talking with this person on and off. She had brought up that my friend had a crush on her boyfriend. And that she didn't really believe she was raped, because if something like that happened to HER, she wouldn't rush out to have sex with someone else. As if when your raped, wanting to have sex soon after isn't logical, but put in different words. I replied telling her that i was raped, and that soon after being raped i made decisions to sleep with various men. Feeling that i could try to erase the memory of what had happened to me by having newer sexual experiences, which only made it worse. And that rape victims react differently to what has happened to them and sometimes do not make the right and safe decisions for themselves. They just do what they think will stop the hurting. She never replied back.

It bothers me, it bothers me that people assume how rape victims should react to their experiences. That they should be logical. They don't realize how differently some deal with what has happened to them. That they could be so in shock, they will do whatever it takes to try and erase that feeling or memory. Sometimes its drugs, or cutting, or sleeping with random people. Just because someone is raped, it doesn't mean that the thought of sex should be something they instinctively will run from. Sometimes its the opposite, that sex is what they turn to to try and cope. Not always the best decision, but sometimes its the one some victims make.

I also read some where, that there was a judges deciding in a case where a rape case was dismissed when a victim was found out to have had sex within 72 hours of being raped. I don't know where this article is now, and haven't found it so it may have been lifted. It was in NY i think. But it was dismissed solely on the victims actions. In other words, because the victim had sex close to the time after they were assaulted, then they guess the victim wasn't truly that effected by it enough to make a case out of it. Don't quote me on this, because i forgot the exact details of the issue. Only that i remember the general run down and was appalled by it. A rape victims mental stability isn't the best, people shouldn't assume how a victim should react. How they feel, or what they will do. And it pisses me off when people assume how it should go. I'm sure many victims were afraid of sex, or some later on. But like i said, some run to it as a crutch, and then maybe later become afraid of it. It all works differently depending on the situation or how a victim reacts. It pisses me off when people assume.
Comments 
12th-Nov-2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
UGH things like this piss me off to NO end.
What do people expect you to do?! Just shut off your sexuality in response to the shitty actions of someone else?
I know my parents mentioned the fact that I had been sexually active after my rape when I finally told them about it and I flipped out. Because at that time, when I was coming clean about something very difficult for me, they just made me feel like a slut for not putting my vagina away in mourning.

How is it so acceptable to continually victimize the victim?
12th-Nov-2006 07:38 pm (UTC)
Thats so upsetting to hear. I mean i know people react differently to hearing it, but you'd think your own parents would be supportive. It's sad when people assume and dont do research. Research is great, but if people arent willing to do the research and learn something then they shouldnt be assuming. Sadly most wont. Its enough we went through the trauma, and have to cope with it in our own way, we dont need people assuming that just because we react in certain ways, it doesnt make the situation any less important or any less horrible.
12th-Nov-2006 06:06 pm (UTC)
I hate when things like this happen. Sometimes I just want to look at the person and yell, "Read a book!!!"

Trauma survivors have a range of reactions - some avoid sex entirely for a long time, others embrace sex moreso afterwards with safe people, and others try to un-do the rape with lots of sex (I think I've had all three reactions at different times in my life).

While lots of survivors fall into those categories, most non-survivors don't know about the other two. And it irks me, because the information is out there. Sometimes it feels like the sea of the un-informed is endless. It's one of the reasons why I love doing the thought-stirring questions here, because we cover so many of the different reactions. I just wish I could broadcast that information out to the masses.

It's so crazy how much survivors are judged on their reactions. Like we aren't traumatized enough to be considered worthy of support. It's such complete crap, and it irritates the heck out of me, too.

I want a "The More You Know" public service announcement about rape survivors, you know what I mean? Just someone famous to say, "Not all abuse survivors react the same way. Think before you judge."
12th-Nov-2006 07:40 pm (UTC)
Absoloutly. If they dont bother to do the research, then they shouldnt assume. I think it would be great if there was a public announcement like that, but who knows when that will happen and if they would allow it (i dont see why they wouldnt though). It would help and make a difference to educate people. Or atleast some.
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