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ok ok, i know ive already had my rant today, but there are things… 
12th-Nov-2006 07:03 pm
bjork painted
ok ok, i know ive already had my rant today, but there are things that just arent clicking in my head.

the Sven saga, the never-ending story of 'the ex'... the dreaded ex! this is why i wanted to avoid getting sexually AND emotionally involved with someone, because eventually the emotion does run out, and i just feel numb. i wouldnt have minded us breaking up so much if it werent for the manner in which he did it.
we just drifted apart over a month after being so close, and we had 'the power of love' with all our "i love you so much... i wanna be with you forever..." blah blah blah then all of a sudden, he just stops caring. makes me wonder if he ever cared at all.
it was lust, it was all an illusion... he minipulated me to get what he wanted and, i dunno, its like molestation all over again. i believed his lies, believed he cared so much and wasnt using me. he knew about my past, he knew what i'd been through and still felt the need to hurt me.

but i think he's realising now, he's trying to be my friend, but i dunno if its all going to work. i was just some poor lovesick sex toy. joy.

i know guys like him arent worth my time, but i want him back in my life so badly. i have this weird attachment to people who torture me and make me feel so empty inside. for a long time i was happy, but now, i just don't know.
12th-Nov-2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
That weird attachment is a part of PTSD. A torment that we know sometimes feels safer than an unknown happiness.

If he's trying to be your friend, after using you like that? He's probably just trying to use you again. It's okay to feel attached, but don't let him use that to hurt you again. It's okay to tell him that he's going to need to prove to you - over a long time - that he's not just going to use you again.

It's better sometimes to miss someone than to give them access to hurt you again so soon. If he genuinely wants to be your friend, he'll be willing to prove to you over several months that he has good intentions. It's okay to make him prove himself - it protects you, and it shows him that you care enough about him to not let him abuse you again.
13th-Nov-2006 01:23 am (UTC)
thats a good point. even his best friend (who is now my realy close friend, one of the few ive told about my abuse) has warned me to try and keep the emotional side away. its more difficult than i imagined. i found out on saturday night that he's already gone and replaced me after saying it would take him time. in that respect he's kind of like me, hates being alone. but it hurts, i cant stop having dreams about him pushing me away and i just dont understand how i can still be so attached to him. so im going to lay it all down for him, tell him to give me time to be sure he's for real. he is a really nice person, but lets his ego in the way, and gets bored with people very easily.

it just sucks that i gave him everything (second virginity now gone) and he tossed me away. its hard to think i could ever trust anyone again.
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