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Do you ever get angry? Do you ever get so angry that you want to… 
11th-Nov-2006 11:01 am
new worlds
Do you ever get angry?

Do you ever get so angry that you want to hurt yourself so that the pain in your arm or in your head or on your leg hurts more than the pain in your heart?

I want to hurt myself so that my heart will stop hurting.

Yesterday evening when I got home, I found there was no food in the house (except uncooked pasta, and a shriveled lemon), despite the fact that two of my roommates had been home all evening, and doing jack all.

I had no food for breakfast, and no food to take for lunch. I leave for work at 6:50 am, well before stores are open, and it takes so long for me to get to sleep that I can't get out of bed any earlier than 6:30. It doesn't help that my depression is kicking in, so that it takes me almost 10 minutes to drag myself out of bed in the first place. But work doesn't understand depression.

We were told when we moved in that we need to share chores and make sure that there is food for people. (We're here through a voluntary service organization, and not getting paid for our work, so we have no personal money to buy groceries with)

I am so angry at my roommates.

I am trying to cope without harming myself, but it's gotten to the point where I can't anymore. I'm at the edge where one more thing will push me over it. I need help.
11th-Nov-2006 05:03 pm (UTC)
Oh, yes, I get that angry sometimes. I've felt pretty much that angry for a few days now.

BUT, hurting yourself won't help with your problem. It's a temporary fix when what you need is something more long-term.

If you haven't yet, I think it's time to sit down with your roommates and have a serious discussion. The three of you understood what was expected when you moved in and it's time they start honoring that agreement. It may come down to it where they're either going to have to do their share or find a new place to live.

More important is this: if you feel like you will do yourself harm, you need to look for some professional help. Call a local help line (there is bound to be one in your area, check the yellow pages) or even call 911 to send someone to get you. Your life is too important and I know it's very frustrating and looks bad now, but in time this WILL pass, I promise you.

If you feel you aren't immediately going to harm yourself, look for a way to get medication and therapy. Go through your health department or look for a free or sliding scale clinic in your area. Since you have no income you could probably get treatment and medication for free. If you are already under a doctor/therapist/psychiatrist's care, you need to give them a call and get some stuff checked out.

Hang in there, ok? Don't do anything to hurt yourself and try to get through it. Call close friends or family and talk to them. Get your support system into gear. We're here, too, to help any way we can.

This will pass. Hang tough.

11th-Nov-2006 10:51 pm (UTC)
::big huge hugs:: I definitely know that feeling.

When I get that mad, I go, grab a stuffy and I tell that stuffy everything I think about the people who are around me, about life, everything. That stuffy will still have hugs and love for you - and *won't* tell anyone else what you think. I know it sounds so stupid, but sometimes it works for me.

Another thing? Beating the stuffing out of your pillow or mattress. Being able to get that physical energy out can be a big help - same with going for a walk when you're really angry.

For the short term, for self-harm, when you're struggling like all hell to not do it? Grab an ice cube and put it on your skin. Your body will react like you've hurt yourself (so it will make that urge stop), without actually causing damage. When I'm really close to hurting myself, sometimes just the touch of cold water on my skin will pull me out of that compulsion for pain.
12th-Nov-2006 10:47 am (UTC)
"I want to hurt myself so that my heart will stop hurting..."

oh my god, someone finally put into words how i feel sometimes. *hugs* don't worry, we're always here to help.
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