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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
newbie. 
8th-Nov-2006 10:49 pm
bjork painted
ok, hi, umm I'm new here and found this place through my friend 'Gria and thought it sounded perfect. Here, i'll put it all in LJ cut so you dont have to read it - warning, triggering! but yeah, my name's Katho and this is my story...

when i was a kid i always had this one cousin who was always a bit dodgy. from the ages of five to about nine, he would corner me in his room (he was about 14 at the time), hold me down and force me to do things i could never ever say. he beat me up and raped me repeatedly. the hell went on too long, and only in the last three years has it all come back to me, like my mind shut it out. i've never really told any of my friends about it because i didnt want them to look at me differently, to think i was some kind of victim, to treat me differently. its hard for people to understand that its not something you forget easily, i'll never forget all the pain he put me through and how much he enjoyed it. its been my biggest secret. i finally told my boyfriend once we'd been going out for about two months... we had sex and it was brilliant, i didnt feel so insecure and i really trusted him... he said he loved me and always made sure i was happy. i dont think ever expected me to become a bit of a sex-addict (is this a normal thing for an incest survivour?)
ive always linked sex with trust, loyalty and love, and once the sex dropped off between us i assumed he just didnt love me anymore. i know now that he never did, he never cared and only ever wanted the sex, one track mind. and i trusted him... god i just feel so used, dirty and miserable. i'd rather still have him around, even if he hates me, than have him leave me.


And what's more, i just got dumped last week by that BOY i was totally in love with (hes not a MAN and never will be). we went out almost eight months, we were perfect together and i was so happy, i'd finally moved on from those negative thoughts about sex and just men in general, then he just dumps me like that, says im 'Just A Girl' and he'll 'get over it and move on' like i mean nothing, like i am worth nothing to no one. It was lust, he never loved me, he only loved the idea of me, what he could get from me. He took all i had, gave nothing back then left me all alone. i'd finally learnt to trust, i'd finally fallen in love, then i just get used. story of my life.

so yeah, im pretty fucked up at the moment, pretending everything is OK and i'll be fine, but im far from fine. i have hardly slept in weeks, i just cant eat, my appetite is gone(lost about 5 kilos in two weeks :S), and im drinking far too much and trying to recapture the love i once felt from him in dodgy hook-ups with guys i dont know. I'm just so confused... i thought he respected me, how wrong was i?

i was so in love with him, and he just threw me away and forgot about me.

(and now all i can do is cry at night, and when i sleep i have flashbacks of my so called cousin stealing away my childhood, my innocence. ive been left all alone and i just cant deal with this by myself anymore. please help.)
Comments 
8th-Nov-2006 02:56 pm (UTC)
Ooohh, you joined! Hoorah for Katho! (i told you we could help)

it's always hard to tell anyone, and i'd hate to think how hard it was to tell that dickhead who treated you so badly, but i remember you felt so much better aferwards. shame he turned into such a wanker! oh well, his loss, you can do SO much better!

don't feel so guilty honey, you did nothing wrong. If i ever do get to meet this fellow, i'll take an axe to his head, how does that sound? Rofl.

*big hugs and kisses* 'Gria. XoXo
8th-Nov-2006 04:24 pm (UTC)
thanks 'Gria. i did feel better after telling him, now i dont know why i wasted my time, that asshole obviously didnt care.

would you really? want his address? LOL!!
8th-Nov-2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
Becoming addicted to sex is normal for an incest survivor. Some people crave it and some people do the opposite and avoid it completely. But you are defiantly not alone there.

I know how it feels to trust someone and have them shatter your trust. I know how it feels to be used. And I want you to know this boy never deserved you and eventually this will all come back on him. You didn't deserve to be treated that way and it is HIS problem, not yours. You didnt do anything wrong.

As far as your cousin...that's awful. I had an uncle who did things like that to me and it is such a betrayal of trust to have family members that are supposed to be protecting you abuse you. It makes it really hard to trust anyone, sometimes even yourself.

I am really glad you joined and I hope the people here can help you. They certainly helped me. And it helps to know that you aren't alone, even if you feel like you are.
8th-Nov-2006 04:22 pm (UTC) - thankyou!
ohhh, yeah im a part Buddhist so i know Karma will come back for him, he'll fall in love with some girl and WHAM she'll break his heart! and i shall be there pointing and laughing.

sex addiction is normal? whoa, i thought i was really messed up, like why would i want more? its strange really.

whats that saying... "i'm not alone but i'm lonely..."? thats why im here, i dont want to be alone and afraid anymore.
8th-Nov-2006 06:39 pm (UTC)
Firstly, welcome to the group, hun, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It's completely normal for an incest survivor to become a sex addict (I'm an incest survivor, too, by the way). Many survivors either end up being a sex addict or avoiding it completely (because sex is just too traumatic). Once we find a *good* sexual experience, we want it all the time, because it's just so different than our abuse.

I'm sorry about your boyfriend. His complete denial of feelings for you sounds like a sham to me. Men tend to stuff their emotions away, so if his feelings were hurt, he probably never told you - and then uses his "I just wanted the sex" thing to cover up his emotions even further. He knew it would hurt you... too many people use hurting someone else as a defense mechanism.

You didn't deserve to be betrayed like that by someone who you'd learned to trust, and I'm sorry that happened to you. I know how much that hurts (I had someone leave me in a similar "I only liked the sex" manner).

But yes, welcome to the group, and thank you for sharing your story with us, I know how hard it is to talk about
9th-Nov-2006 10:10 am (UTC)
"Once we find a *good* sexual experience, we want it all the time, because it's just so different than our abuse..."

thats so true, it was just nice to take it so casually and with the 'love' factor involved, i guess i started to associate sex with love, and thats why i wanted it so much.

Thankyou so much, you said some enlightening things... and im so sorry it happened to you too, its awful, like someone ripping out their heart. i'd still like to think that at one point he did love me, but he is so dishonest to everyone its hard to believe.

9th-Nov-2006 03:19 am (UTC)
Welcome to the group! I hope you find what you're looking for here.

I read your story and I found a lot of similarities between it and some things that had happened to me. I was abused (possibly raped) by a relative when I was 8. I also found myself to be more sexually open later in life, and for one reason or another I would get into very serious long term relationships very easily. I can't say for certain my abuse has anything to do with these patterns, but it's definitely possible.

A lot of people look at the heightened sexuality and attachment complexes that child survivors experience later as a negative thing. I've never seen my sexuality as a negative. If it is a result of my abuse, then I see it as a strength that I have, possessing my sexuality as my own and not anyone elses. I also feel like I've become better at reading people and recognizing what I want, so my relationships aren't petty like "highschool relationships" should be. People who know my situation immediately look down on my sexuality as a byproduct of my abuse and I resent that.

However, I know things are different for everyone, so there's probably some fact behind the correlation. Concerning your breakup, the best I can say is it WILL get better. And I KNOW that is not what you feel and it's not what you want to hear, but it's true. Take care of yourself. What he did was shitty. There are much better options.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon
9th-Nov-2006 10:13 am (UTC)
"People who know my situation immediately look down on my sexuality as a byproduct of my abuse and I resent that."

thats exactly what happened, made me sick, thats why i just cant seem to tell anyone. but i know ive found a good group here, people who understand and will try their best to help me through all this stuff.

there are much better options... hahaha thats what everyone's telling me "you can do SO much better than Sven, he was a wanker!" and im starting to agree.

thankyou!!
9th-Nov-2006 05:24 am (UTC)
hugs.
9th-Nov-2006 10:13 am (UTC)
*hugs* thanks!
10th-Nov-2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
Thanks for posting your story. I know how difficult it can be to tell someone about what happened. But you've picked a great community to begin the healing process with.

i guess i started to associate sex with love, and thats why i wanted it so much.
I know exactly what you mean - I'm the same way. For a while after my abuse, I thought that the only way a guy could love me was if I let him have sex with me. And, like Sistahraven, I know how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone you thought you could trust.

Know that you're not alone. *huggles*
12th-Nov-2006 11:12 am (UTC)
aww thanks. this is a great community! so many different backgrounds, opinions and and so much good advice. why i didnt do this years ago i have NO idea.

it took so long to trust someone again, and now the trust is gone, and im giving away my love for free. argh,its all so confusing!
(Deleted comment)
12th-Nov-2006 11:10 am (UTC)
its so nice to know im not alone, and its a huge weight off my shoulders that finally, i said something! it makes you feel powerful. whenever you're ready, you know i'll do my best to help. *hugs*
12th-Nov-2006 12:18 pm (UTC)
i love you katho xx
13th-Nov-2006 01:37 am (UTC)
awww, mikey! i love you too *hugs* (*and possibly kisses, if we've both been drinking.. hahaha*)
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