Smashleen. (alekaattic) wrote in _survivors_,

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ok, hi, umm I'm new here and found this place through my friend 'Gria and thought it sounded perfect. Here, i'll put it all in LJ cut so you dont have to read it - warning, triggering! but yeah, my name's Katho and this is my story...

when i was a kid i always had this one cousin who was always a bit dodgy. from the ages of five to about nine, he would corner me in his room (he was about 14 at the time), hold me down and force me to do things i could never ever say. he beat me up and raped me repeatedly. the hell went on too long, and only in the last three years has it all come back to me, like my mind shut it out. i've never really told any of my friends about it because i didnt want them to look at me differently, to think i was some kind of victim, to treat me differently. its hard for people to understand that its not something you forget easily, i'll never forget all the pain he put me through and how much he enjoyed it. its been my biggest secret. i finally told my boyfriend once we'd been going out for about two months... we had sex and it was brilliant, i didnt feel so insecure and i really trusted him... he said he loved me and always made sure i was happy. i dont think ever expected me to become a bit of a sex-addict (is this a normal thing for an incest survivour?)
ive always linked sex with trust, loyalty and love, and once the sex dropped off between us i assumed he just didnt love me anymore. i know now that he never did, he never cared and only ever wanted the sex, one track mind. and i trusted him... god i just feel so used, dirty and miserable. i'd rather still have him around, even if he hates me, than have him leave me.

And what's more, i just got dumped last week by that BOY i was totally in love with (hes not a MAN and never will be). we went out almost eight months, we were perfect together and i was so happy, i'd finally moved on from those negative thoughts about sex and just men in general, then he just dumps me like that, says im 'Just A Girl' and he'll 'get over it and move on' like i mean nothing, like i am worth nothing to no one. It was lust, he never loved me, he only loved the idea of me, what he could get from me. He took all i had, gave nothing back then left me all alone. i'd finally learnt to trust, i'd finally fallen in love, then i just get used. story of my life.

so yeah, im pretty fucked up at the moment, pretending everything is OK and i'll be fine, but im far from fine. i have hardly slept in weeks, i just cant eat, my appetite is gone(lost about 5 kilos in two weeks :S), and im drinking far too much and trying to recapture the love i once felt from him in dodgy hook-ups with guys i dont know. I'm just so confused... i thought he respected me, how wrong was i?

i was so in love with him, and he just threw me away and forgot about me.

(and now all i can do is cry at night, and when i sleep i have flashbacks of my so called cousin stealing away my childhood, my innocence. ive been left all alone and i just cant deal with this by myself anymore. please help.)
Tags: abuse: incest, abuse: physical, introductions, manipulation
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