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I had a nightmare last night. I was at my boyfriend's house. He… 
6th-Nov-2006 11:18 pm
I had a nightmare last night.

I was at my boyfriend's house. He was at work, and I was lying on his bed drinking wine and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I drank the entire bottle because I was upset that I had ignored my phone all day - I felt like I should have answered the phone for my friends, but I desperately didn't want to talk to anyone. I was really upset, and I cn't for the life of me figure out why.

I finished the bottle, threw it in the trash, and went to sleep.

I had a nightmare that I was being raped by a man. His face was clouded, so I coudn't make out who it was. It freaked me out, though, even in the dream, and I'm sure the wine distorted my emotions and influenced the terror.

My boyfriend woke me up when he got home. I've never seen him that scared. He kept asking what had happened, and I told him that I had a bad dream. He said that I was yelling "I'm sorry I'm sorry" over and over in my sleep, and it frightened his roommates. I'm embarrassed not only because I screamed so loudly, but also because from the moment I woke up at 11:30 that night to 2:00 in the morning, I couldn't stop throwing up.  I also, strangely enough, woke up without any clothes on. I don't remember taking them off, although I may have been too drunk to remember much of anything.

I guess I'm just upset.  I haven't seen my boyfriend's roommates, but I don't know what to say to them should they ask what happened. My friends are irritated with me because I didn't pick up the phone, after I told them that I wanted to go out and do something this weekend. Even though no actual plans were made, I feel guilty. I stayed home from school today, just watching television and trying to remember why I was so scared. I haven't told my boyfriend the content of the dream - I don't see the need to.

Has anyone else had this experience? Felt so depressed for no reason that you drank yourself into a stupor and had horrible nightmares as a consequence? What do I do? How do I make them go away?
7th-Nov-2006 04:29 am (UTC)
It's hard not to, but when I already feel shitty I don't drink. Your reaction to alcohol when you're already in a volatile mood just can't be predicted.
8th-Nov-2006 12:58 am (UTC)
I honestly thought I was just going to pass out...

I've never gotten so drunk that I threw up, but I suppose in my mental state last night, I wasn't paying much attention to my intake. Somewhere along the lines, I just stopped caring. I remember thinking "Why won't the phone stop ringing?" Not once did I think to turn it off.

Guess alcohol does really weird things to one's head.
7th-Nov-2006 04:44 am (UTC)
Um, since you woke up with no clothes on, are you sure it was a dream? I'm not asking to upset you, just to check in with yourself. I was raped in my sleep and for a long time tried to insist it was a bad dream, so that's the reason I ask.
8th-Nov-2006 12:59 am (UTC)
I'm fairly certain it was a dream.

I remember feeling hot and sweaty, so it could be that I took my own clothes off before I went to sleep. I just don't remember doing it.

I'm just embarrassed that I had to be seen that way. I've sworn off alcohol from here on out.
7th-Nov-2006 06:39 am (UTC)
I have nightmares even without drinking. *hugs*
8th-Nov-2006 12:59 am (UTC)
I'm sorry...*hugs*

I do too, but they've never been heightened to that intensity before.
7th-Nov-2006 12:44 pm (UTC)
:::hugs::: Alcohol intensifies whatever mood you are in. I avoid it when sad or nervous. Sometimes I break and have some. Half the time its ok and half the time I get so upset that it isnt worth it. I cannot touch hard liquor at all. It makes me emotionally crash every time. My girlfriend says I am not allowed to touch hard liquor, lol.
The hardest lesson I learned is that when feeling sad, the best thing you can do for yourself is break a pattern that keeps you in the saddness. When I am depressed I want to be alone, not move, drink and stare at a computer or TV. If I make myself get up instead, at the first signs of depression, and excercise or go out or read or be artistic, then sometimes I can catch the emotions before they get bigger than I am.
I'm sorry it was a scary night for you. :::hugs:::
8th-Nov-2006 01:02 am (UTC)
I felt that way last night: depressed, angry, etc. I honestly thought I was only drinking enough to get myself to "pass out," but I obviously overdid it somehow.

To be honest, I don't really like any of my "friends," and I feel guilty for it. So I didn't answer the phone when they called, and I got so pissed off when the phone wouldn't stop ringing. (Of course, I didn't think to turn it off in my drunken state).

But you're right. Definitely not turning to the liquor again.
7th-Nov-2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
I did depression-drinking for years, and often experienced similar things. I know how hard it is to resist the temptatation, but alcohol does some seriously weird things to survivors' brains... so try to limit yourself when you're feeling like that.

Sometimes we get triggered by something, and it hits us on a deep enough level that our brain suppresses what it is. So we're left feeling hopeless, depressed, angry, or any combination of emotions, without the knowledge of what triggered us. It sounds like that might have happened since it seems like you were isolating yourself, and the drinking is a normal numbing instinct when things hit you on that level.

Aside from trying to stay away from alcohol when you're upset, there's not much to prevent that type of nightmare. But - I'd recommend trying all the normal nightmare-prevention tricks: soothe yourself each time you wake up from a nightmare, do a soothing routine before you go to sleep and when you wake up in the morning, and try to spend ten minutes before bedtime each night thinking of something positive.

All those things used consistently over a couple weeks will usually lower the intensity of nightmares, and sometimes even lower how often you have them
8th-Nov-2006 01:03 am (UTC)
Sounds like very good advice. :)

I'll try it tonight.
8th-Nov-2006 01:28 am (UTC)
It really helped me after a decade of nightmares every night, so hopefully it will bring you a similar level of relief :)
8th-Nov-2006 04:46 am (UTC)
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