Netochka Nezvanova (cellohaha) wrote in _survivors_,
Netochka Nezvanova

What if you didn’t say no because there used to be a guy that scared you and so even though this new guy isn’t threatening you, he’s touching you way too much but you probably could push him away if you really tried, but you’re not going to try or say no because what if you say no and he makes it bad for you? like the other guy did. All he’s saying is “you have to” and “you’re being a tease” and “you’re not being fair” and fog has come in from the window and encompassed your mind, only it’s not really foggy it is sunny afternoon lying on a bed no volition, you try to respond but it’s not even just that you cannot make your lips move, you cannot even form words in your mind you lack entirely analytical ability, you make yourself say “I don’t really want to be doing this” and saying that took so much effort, like swimming up out of deep water, but it takes him a really long time to stop touching you, your effort was wasted. But that was before and it’s now that he wants you to blow him, and you really don’t want to, and this is so disgusting to discuss but it just seems like to blow him is the worst thing in the world. But he’s made you feel so guilty for not doing it and you know he’s only spending time with you because he wants that and anyway you can’t risk what happened with the other guy, you can’t risk making a guy angry, and further more there is fog in your brain and you cannot figure out what to do, you cannot find a way out of this. so you do it.

and then a few weeks later the exact same thing is happening again, because you are enough of a moron to have him over again, is that just it you are a big fucking moron, and suddenly he wants to have sex with you and all you can think is OF COURSE because jesus all you want is to not be blowing him any longer, so you do it and while he’s on top of you you’re surprised that you feel so little, you feel nothing, it’s just late afternoon with the blinds closed and you actually feel sorry that his first time is so dispassionate.

is that rape?
Tags: coercion, rape: acquaintance/date, victim-blaming
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