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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
What if you didn’t say no because there used to be a guy that… 
6th-Nov-2006 01:47 am
trees

What if you didn’t say no because there used to be a guy that scared you and so even though this new guy isn’t threatening you, he’s touching you way too much but you probably could push him away if you really tried, but you’re not going to try or say no because what if you say no and he makes it bad for you? like the other guy did. All he’s saying is “you have to” and “you’re being a tease” and “you’re not being fair” and fog has come in from the window and encompassed your mind, only it’s not really foggy it is sunny afternoon lying on a bed no volition, you try to respond but it’s not even just that you cannot make your lips move, you cannot even form words in your mind you lack entirely analytical ability, you make yourself say “I don’t really want to be doing this” and saying that took so much effort, like swimming up out of deep water, but it takes him a really long time to stop touching you, your effort was wasted. But that was before and it’s now that he wants you to blow him, and you really don’t want to, and this is so disgusting to discuss but it just seems like to blow him is the worst thing in the world. But he’s made you feel so guilty for not doing it and you know he’s only spending time with you because he wants that and anyway you can’t risk what happened with the other guy, you can’t risk making a guy angry, and further more there is fog in your brain and you cannot figure out what to do, you cannot find a way out of this. so you do it.

and then a few weeks later the exact same thing is happening again, because you are enough of a moron to have him over again, is that just it you are a big fucking moron, and suddenly he wants to have sex with you and all you can think is OF COURSE because jesus all you want is to not be blowing him any longer, so you do it and while he’s on top of you you’re surprised that you feel so little, you feel nothing, it’s just late afternoon with the blinds closed and you actually feel sorry that his first time is so dispassionate.

is that rape?
Comments 
6th-Nov-2006 06:03 am (UTC)
Um..yes. If at any point, even if you don't say it, even if later on, you feel so wrong about it that it eats you up inside, then yes, that is rape. It's all in how you feel, wether or not you express that.
6th-Nov-2006 07:51 am (UTC)
It's rape. If you wanted to say no, it's rape. If you have symptoms of surviving a rape because of an event, it was rape. If you're too scared or dissociative to say no, it is rape.

A responsible "partner" (ie anyone you might have sex with) doesn't even try and guilt you into sex. A guy's libido and their erections are their problem.
6th-Nov-2006 10:17 pm (UTC)
I agree completely. It's also worth nothing that a responsible and loving partner will be able to tell when you've completely disassociated and are not even mentally there. Body language and mannerisms should be completely evident of this as well...
6th-Nov-2006 11:36 pm (UTC)
Mauvedragon and roseyposey01 said it perfectly - that was rape. Rape by coersion (guilting you), rape by implied threat (that he'll hurt you if you say no), and rape by non-consent (the fact that he never asked you) all happened.

And you're not a moron for having this happen to you again. It happens to so many of us so many times. Welcome to the community hun, we're here for you
8th-Nov-2006 02:59 am (UTC)
Yes hon, it's rape. My own rape was coerced sex (though it doesn't even qualify as sex, really). He kept pressuring me, and pressuring me, and finally, after months of it, he insisted that it was all or nothing--we have sex or he wouldn't even touch me or kiss me until I was ready. Even though I had just told him I didn't want to continue, I felt I had to go through with it after he laid down that ultimatum. Coerced sex is still rape. I knew right away he had raped me, but then I convinced myself it hadn't really been rape until several years later. Deep down in my gut, I knew he was abusing me. I think the fact that you're asking us here if it was means that your instinct is telling you that what happened to you was. Listen to your gut. There is definately something wrong if you're questioning it, and from what you've described, yes, it was rape.

I'm sorry.
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