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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Major rambling cause i'm a lonely female 
4th-Nov-2006 08:02 am
As the countless hours pass by, I sit and stare at the same blank screen that hasn't moved all day. I kept myself awake too long, awoke too early, spilled my coffee all over my boss's important papers, had three customers be jerks to me, and had a migrane to top it off. It was bad enough that I was only an hour into the work day, and already I found myself at a dead end...Just wanting someone to talk to, yet...there wasn't anyone. No one I could text or call or ask to come stop by just so I felt a little bit better about today. Instead, my boss wanted to "talk". I crossed my arms so I felt some ounce of strength in me, and leaned against the counter so I didn't feel so weak. As always, he told me that i'm doing well, but still, I could be doing so much better. He lectured me about how I sold 21 phones last month (more than anyone in the store) but since 18 of them were pre-paid phones instead of two year contracts...It wasn't good enough. I need to talk to people more. Basically, I need to be more nosey about people's personal lives and convince them to buy our products while still seeming like i'm not trying to convince them to buy our stuff...I know. I smiled like I always do when we "talk" and then made the quickest exit possible without him catching onto the fact that I was now going to cry. I've been early every day since I started this job, I stay late and work on my days off. I do the best I can to work hard and keep myself busy, but no matter how many customers I help or how well I do in sales...It's not good enough, it could always be so much better.

I still haven't spoken to Jimmy. Parts of me are sad, parts of me are still taking in the fact that it's really over this time. The more and more I "miss" our friendships...The more I realize how much he used me. I am convinced it's hurts worse knowing that someone you hold so dear could be so hurtful, and not have tried for one moment to prevent it. Makes me wonder how much he ever really cared.

I think i'm just lonely. I don't really have any friends, and i'm always on random driving spree's to be out of the house. That way my parents don't ask and they just assume i'm out with friends. I miss going out early and coming home late. I miss all the memories that came along with having the best of best friends. I have six picture frames that remain empty because I have absolutely nothing to fill them with. I have a heart full of lonelyness and a whole group of co-workers who ask why I never go out, or why none of my friends have stopped by the store. Truth is, it's just me.

And my mom...She just keeps blaming everything possible on me. Not only does she keep randomly springing things on me like this must be carolyn's fault and this is her fault too cause afterall, I didn't do it, so it must be her. And her newest kick, once again, is that i'm overweight and she suggests I take excersizing classes here at the house and she'll take them with me for support. Yeah...thanks.
Comments 
5th-Nov-2006 01:57 am (UTC)
*hugs*
You mum sounds like she's being a total pain.

I have a challenging suggestion that if you can do it will be worthwhile. To make more friends, join one or more social organisation. That way instead of just driving around you can be driving to events, classes or meetings. Some of the things I do include the SCA, karate, and swing dancing. Other options could include a book circle, role playing games, a craft group, a team sport, a choir, the possibilities are endless.
6th-Nov-2006 03:02 am (UTC)
I have some social issues, but it'd be a good thing for me to work on and see what I can make of it. Besides, I may be chubby but i've always wanted to learn how to swing dance :) Thanks for the advice, i'll keep you posted on my progress.
6th-Nov-2006 07:55 am (UTC)
I thought you might. But working them through and going and meeting people is the best cure for loneliness.

Being chubby has nothing to do with your ability to swing dance. One of the better Swing Dancers (male) I know is broad and chubby.

Good luck.
*hugs*
7th-Nov-2006 07:51 am (UTC)
Well that is a plus for me haha. I met this guy the other day who is a honda fanatic and happens to own a shop and likes imports as much as I do...we're talking but it's a start to making friends. Thanks for the encouragement :)
5th-Nov-2006 03:39 am (UTC)
Sometimes I think that in the retail world (I used to work retail for a long time) - it genuinely is never enough. There's always some CEO who wants to buy another Porsche. It's so hard to *not* feel inadequate when you're always told to push people more or push yourself more. So frustrating.

::big hugs::
6th-Nov-2006 03:03 am (UTC)
So true... It's so hard on my already struggling confidence. But thanks for the hugs, it's definately what I need.
6th-Nov-2006 05:28 pm (UTC)
Awesome, I have lots and lots of hugs to give ::more big hugs::
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