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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Maybe a Change 
2nd-Nov-2006 05:28 pm
O.~ -Sadie


I don't know what to do with myself, i feel unmotivated, lethargic, and depressed. All on a constant basis. I think i should change my therapist, i keep skipping her appointments. I mean, she's nice, but i don't feel that connected to her. I feel like she's an acquaintance i see every so often. She gives good advice every now and again, but sometimes, she really isn't that helpful at all. I havent even touched my rape issue yet, i don't think i can with her. Yesterday was the anniversary of my best friends death. He ODed on Meth. I loved him so much and i feel a sense of blame, like i could have saved him somehow. I was moving to KS from NY and didn't keep in contact with anyone for a while. Last time i spoke to him we had a fight on the phone. I didn't like his girlfriend at the time, she was a loud mouthed narcissistic bitch in high school so i really didn't want to be around her. So in anger he said he didn't care if i didn't hang out with them, and we both hung up. I really should have gone, i didn't want my last words to him have been so bitter. I blame myself for that. And my therapist is like "well, now you know to stay in touch with people better" -_- that really set me wrong. Its not enough i blame myself, i know i should have stayed in touch with him. Thanks for repeating it to me, like i didnt already know.

Ugh, i don't know what to do. This isn't someone i can talk to. I havent been able to talk to anyone. I've been to so many therapists, rarely any of them helped. Its so hard not being able to talk to anyone about things, let alone the abuse. I talk to my boyfriend, and that's about it. And even that's hard for me to do. He tries to understand, which is all i can ask of him. Is to try to be there for me about it. I took someones advice here in this group. They asked their boyfriend to wear a necklace to help distinguish them subconsciously from their abuser. So Jay agreed he would do this for me. I think it may help, and i thank the person who brought it up to me. I wont mention names to save their privacy in respect. But thank you very much for that. And for everyone who has helped me here. Its more help then i have ever gotten on my rape issue. I can type things out, and although its all i can do, its something.



Comments 
3rd-Nov-2006 08:01 am (UTC)
What your therapist said was extremely insensitive. She basically said that your best friend's death was your fault.

It is NOT your fault. You can't play the "What if" game. I know sometimes you can't help entertaining those thoughts, but there's nothing you could've done to change it. Please don't blame yourself.

My last words to my father before he committed suicide were that I wouldn't lie to the Judge by changing my story to cover for him. His last words to me was a threat of suicide if the case went beyond Grand Jury. He had been harrassing me for a week to lie under oathe & get the DA to drop the charges. The morning that I was set to testify for the Grand Jury, my father put a pistol in his mouth.

Yes, my father was my most prolifent abuser, but I do not regret nor blame myself for his suicide. I know an OD is a little different, but your friend knew that everytime he did those drugs, he as playing with his life. Please don't blame yourself for your harsh words or his death.

I promise you, he knows you love him & he has forgiven you for your anger. It's OK to forgive yourself.

*safe hugs*

xoxoxoxo
<3333333
~chelsea
3rd-Nov-2006 05:35 pm (UTC)
I know i didnt untimely cause his death, but i cant shove that sense of blame i feel. Its so hard. One time, when i saw Rob (the person who died) he held me as i cried about what had happened to me, the rape. And he whispered in my ear "i know how you feel" -_- No one should have to go through that. I dont blame him for what he did to himself, i get so mad at him for doing it, but for what he's been through...i dunno, hes gone now so. Sometimes i do blame him, its so confusing. I'm sorry for what you went through, for what anyone here has gone through. I cant imagine the things that people have lived through. I feel like my own story is so much less intense. Though i dont know how rape itself can be different in intensity, its all horrible.
I'm trying to forgive myself, im trying to feel like hes out there. But ever since his death i have questioned what is spiritually real, i want a sense of prood. I think about death every day now, about what it means and where you go. And i have no idea, i want closure. Somehow.

Thank you so much for your help *hugs* your such a strong person, so many strong people here. I hope to find my own strength one day.
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