I don't know what to do with myself, i feel unmotivated, lethargic, and depressed. All on a constant basis. I think i should change my therapist, i keep skipping her appointments. I mean, she's nice, but i don't feel that connected to her. I feel like she's an acquaintance i see every so often. She gives good advice every now and again, but sometimes, she really isn't that helpful at all. I havent even touched my rape issue yet, i don't think i can with her. Yesterday was the anniversary of my best friends death. He ODed on Meth. I loved him so much and i feel a sense of blame, like i could have saved him somehow. I was moving to KS from NY and didn't keep in contact with anyone for a while. Last time i spoke to him we had a fight on the phone. I didn't like his girlfriend at the time, she was a loud mouthed narcissistic bitch in high school so i really didn't want to be around her. So in anger he said he didn't care if i didn't hang out with them, and we both hung up. I really should have gone, i didn't want my last words to him have been so bitter. I blame myself for that. And my therapist is like "well, now you know to stay in touch with people better" -_- that really set me wrong. Its not enough i blame myself, i know i should have stayed in touch with him. Thanks for repeating it to me, like i didnt already know.
Ugh, i don't know what to do. This isn't someone i can talk to. I havent been able to talk to anyone. I've been to so many therapists, rarely any of them helped. Its so hard not being able to talk to anyone about things, let alone the abuse. I talk to my boyfriend, and that's about it. And even that's hard for me to do. He tries to understand, which is all i can ask of him. Is to try to be there for me about it. I took someones advice here in this group. They asked their boyfriend to wear a necklace to help distinguish them subconsciously from their abuser. So Jay agreed he would do this for me. I think it may help, and i thank the person who brought it up to me. I wont mention names to save their privacy in respect. But thank you very much for that. And for everyone who has helped me here. Its more help then i have ever gotten on my rape issue. I can type things out, and although its all i can do, its something.