_secretthoughts (_secretthoughts) wrote in _survivors_,

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Hey guys, I haven't been on in a while.. How is everybody?

Sorry I haven't been on much, I have a lot of catching up to do in this wonderful community now. I just am not sleeping tonight, and I was thinking. I think way too much sometimes, and other times, not enough.

10 years ago, even 5 years ago, even 1 or 2 years ago, if someone had told me this is what my life would be like now, I would have said they were insane.

But like holy crap.

I'm no longer sheltered by my mother, in fact, I haven't spoken with her in weeks, by my own choice. It was largely her choice though, because she kept mindfucking me, and it kept working, and I decided that I don't need that right now in my life, with everything else that's going on. After I walked out on her in the restaurant a few weeks ago, she sent me 4 emails (I think it was 4) saying a bunch of different mindfucking things, so I didn't reply to any of them, and I don't think I'll contact her for a while. I don't talk about this much, but it is still at the back of my head. I'd like to eventually get back on good terms with her, but for now I can't handle dealing with her lying, selfish, vindictive person.

The less contact I have with her, the more I feel free, and I love it. Part of me likes knowing she won't take me back ever again, so I don't have that temptation to even consider going back to that shithole.

No more chronic depression, or chronic weird health problems! I mean sure I get super stressed sometimes, but I always know that in the end things will be okay.

I have more of a family now than I feel I have had in my entire life, even though I haven't lived at my new place very long (maybe 2 months), and most of the people I trust (although certainly not all are semi-new to my life (like within the last few months). I don't care if most of us come from different walks of life, families, places, ages, hobbies, personalities, life experiences, etc... in fact, I love it. And we're not all THAT different, even though we are.

I feel accomplished for being 18. I just need to keep my chin up and stay motivated, and not let anything get me down for too long. I'm an adult now, and there is no turning back. I'm free, although I have some responsibilities, like paying bills. I sorta like doing that though (other than the fact that it takes away my money, hehe).

Okay, this has gone a bit off topic from what I started it as... what I started off say was I'm practically the opposite of what I had thought/hoped to be when I was a kid. 10 years ago, I never thought I'd date who I date, fuck who I fuck, do what I do for a living, spend time doing the things I do. Sometimes I can't get over how different it is, and I'm always either in awe or smiling, or both.

A LOT of llusions have been dispelled. Reality has hit me, sorta full force I guess.

Does anyone else feel the same way?
Tags: abuse: mental, family, healing, positivity
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