Days like today I feel like there is no way I'll ever be okay.
There is no time in my life when I was okay, really. Everything was messed up from the beginning, as near as I can tell.
My medications don't seem to be working. I still see shadows and bugs and I feel things crawling on me, and I hear things sometimes, just noises or whatever that no one else hears, and I feel terribly afraid of everything all the time.
Today was bad.
Nancy (my boyfriend's sister, temporarily staying with us) took the dog out and the damn dog slipped the leash, so Cliff (my boyfriend) was mad at her for not keeping the leash tight enough and letting him escape, and then she was stupid enough to get into a car with a random guy who claimed to be looking for a lost animal as well. My gods, the girl is nineteen years old and doesn't know better than to get into a car with a stranger?!?!
Mercifully nothing happened to her, but I can't believe the ill sense the child showed to get into the car in the first damn place. Heaven only knows what could have happened. I don't really like her that much, but gods know I don't wish that sort of harm on anyone.
It made me feel like I was the only person in the world with enough sense not to do stupid shit like that, and then I started thinking that maybe I was just being paranoid. (Cliff felt the same way, though, so perhaps I wasn't being as paranoid as I think.)
I felt like cutting today, and/or killing myself, just to make it all stop. I'm so tired of the fears and the memories and just all of it.
I won't do it though; I promised Cliff that I wouldn't, and he promised in return not to let me go back into a bad place like 20th St (the local public mental health facility, which is horrible).
But it doesn't mean I don't feel like it.