hollow_warrior (hollow_warrior) wrote in _survivors_,

We go through our days dancing around the topic. I need more, I need change. She has not called any therapists. I do not mention it and pretend it usually doesn't bother me. When I do break down about it she gets sad and angry. Why won't she call anyone if she has said she wants help? Am I being an enabler, just letting us hang in this limbo? How do I catalyze change without doing anything to push us apart? How do I keep her pain in mind without feeding a stalemate?
We have mild affection, hugging and cuddling, but we can go a year without anything more. I'm so sick of missing it.
Would it be productive of me to find a couples therapist and take the initiative to schedule therapy for both of us, instead of bothering her about getting her own therapist? Maybe that would be catalytic without being aggressive. Do I just need to put it out there and say "It upsets me that you aren't taking this step".
I'm terrified of a lifetime plateau.

I'm confused about something else too. I feel like this is a confession...even though I have not done anything. An old friend that was once an old flame has suddenly reestablished contact with me after years of silence. She just moved to the area and wants to pick up our friendship. We've spent a small amount of time together and it was good to see her. Thing is...it was so easy to remember what falling for this friend when things went well was like. We never dated and never would have worked, but there was marked sexual tension then and it was definitely present in our reunion.

I don't want to leave my partner or cheat on her, but it has just been strange noticing and processing this. The friend is flirtateous and affectionate toward me. I have to admit, being starved for affection, flirtation and intimacy, I like the attention. I feel guilty for that, for being distracted. Though - I remember why we never would have worked and why we stopped talking. That is just as clear as the more positive possibilities we once held. Time has mellowed us both out, but I am smart enough to know that some things never change and what I have with Vicki is infinitely richer.
I think the guilt comes from the fact that I enjoy the attention and would probably go after her if I were single. I feel like a bit of a hypocrit because I get very jealous of anyone showing interest in or flirting with Vicki. I see it as a threat, because if she can't give me much, but can flirt with someone else...what is wrong with me?

I am also thinking about what my own abuse has done to my personality...and if it has conditioned me to be an enabler, or how it is affecting or contributing to my relationship. I'm just thinking too much, it may be an Autumn thing. Thank you for listening. Thanks for any input.
Tags: relationships, sex, therapy

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