earthygirrl (earthygirrl) wrote in _survivors_,

I don't know what I need to write...but here I am. I'm sitting at work trying to remain composed.  Trying to not let my tears show. I know I need a hug. I know I need my gf. I know eating this chocolate bar isn't going to solve anything. I just want to cry. But like most times....I'll go to the bathroom.....and won't be able to cry.  

So what am I feeling now. I feel anger. I feel shame. I feel sadness. My breathing is just a little labored. I feel warmth in the pit of middle of my stomach. I feel distant. I feel like a whinny little kid. 

What are my thoughts.  That *&^%% bastard!! #$## Everyone. They all left me when I needed them. 

It's almost better to feel numb. If I could live in that space...the space of nothingness....I'd be ok.  No remembering, no thinking, no feeling, no talking, no nothing. 

I'm trying to not think about all the bad things I can do.'s tempting. I don't think I'd ever go through with any of it. But the thoughts there. 

It wouldn't help any. I wouldn't learn and do what I need to do in this life time. I'd only escape it for the moment. Then replay it all over again.  It's just a way of avoiding......


There is a healing circle tonight. I'm thinking of going. I don't know though. I feel like I should. I would just be a blob of mess.  But it might be a good thing for me. So far only one person is attending. So I really don't know! I'd feel awarkward. We'll see......

Goodness....anger is just boiling in me. I really don't want to take it out on the wrong person. It's not anyone's fault I work with. Nor the callers. Nor the students....
But I feel myself taking it out on them......

Everything's upside down
AT 8:45
Warning signs, Alarms
My feet won't touch the ground

The sadness drowns me
Can't you see
I might sink

Somebody call 911
I don't have much longer
Somebody call 911
I'm out of breath
How'm I suppose to run 

Wild Irish Rose
At 8:55
Tequila, Vodka
He made me so cold

No more jumping jacks
I've been had 
Who's left to be mad

Somebody call 911
I don't have much longer
Somebody call 911
I'm out of breath
How'm I suppose to run 

* Just and expression of my feelings.....

Tags: poetry/prose, venting

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