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Today is looking bad 
14th-Oct-2006 10:19 am

Today is looking bad and I only just got up.

For part of last night I was randomly biting myself. Not hard enough to leave a mark but I was doing it. I managed to lie to myself for some hours that it was an auto-erotic behaviour because I'm kinky. I maybe kinky but I'm not masochistic and I was BSing myself. I did eventually call my lover for some support.

I just don't feel good today.

Something I have been thinking about lately is what actually started the depression being this bad. The safe place aspect, in terms of the healing process, was that I had moved out of home. However in my case I think there was an actual trigger other than that.

My relationship with my ex-gf wasn't abusive. It was the happiest time of my life. Ever. She left for reasons that had nothing to do with the internal workings of the relationship. It was still a healthy relationship when she left. Something that I believe and I used to be able to live by is that if you've tried your hardest you've done the right thing. My ex-gf leaving was the most important and most arbitary thing done by anyone to me other than my mum. My mum was responsible for the abuse, no doubt about it. However when my ex-gf left, I stopped being able to live by the attitude "that if you've tried your best, you've done the right thing". I tried my best with that relationship and she left anyway. Mum was never happy with my best either.

14th-Oct-2006 02:43 am (UTC) - big hugs
i'm so sorry you're having bad day. i don't really know what to say, i, myself am not in a good place right now, but i am sending you lots of big hugs. i do hope you are safe.
16th-Oct-2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh... I know that feeling... and it's so horrible.

Feeling like your best wasn't good enough is so triggering. I had a relationship that ended despite me doing everything perfectly, and it just shattered my hope.

Something that my dear friend embermwe used to tell me was "I only lose that which I give up on" - meaning that if you gave it your all, you did so much more than most people ever would, and that you knew that it was someone else needing something different. You never gave up, therefore it was her problem she walked out on someone with such strength and determination.

One that I came up with on my own was: "I am worthy and I prove it every day". I used to have it on a post-it on my mirror. You, like me, prove that you are worthy of love, support, and a partner who appreciates you every single day by choosing to be honest, open, and to do your best. At the end of the day, that's really the most important thing, even when our emotions tell us how much we suck that folks don't appreciate what we do.

The emotions can be overwhelming, for sure, but I'm happy to remind you every time you need a reminder that you prove your worth, your strength, and your love every single day you exist. Not enough people get those reminders, especially the people who work the hardest.

You are worthy, and you prove it every day, and anyone who walks away from you only proves that they were either looking for someone who was broken and mediocre, or that they just genuinely needed someone very different (sometimes people just don't mesh, even when they're both doing the best they can)
17th-Oct-2006 03:40 am (UTC)
This is the same ex I mentioned before who has DID.
17th-Oct-2006 04:06 am (UTC)
Oooh, yeah... DID can put a big, big damper on a relationship. More than once one of my dissociated identities has told off my husband. It can make things so much more complicated.
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