mauvedragon (mauvedragon) wrote in _survivors_,
mauvedragon
mauvedragon
_survivors_

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Today is looking bad


Today is looking bad and I only just got up.

For part of last night I was randomly biting myself. Not hard enough to leave a mark but I was doing it. I managed to lie to myself for some hours that it was an auto-erotic behaviour because I'm kinky. I maybe kinky but I'm not masochistic and I was BSing myself. I did eventually call my lover for some support.

I just don't feel good today.

Something I have been thinking about lately is what actually started the depression being this bad. The safe place aspect, in terms of the healing process, was that I had moved out of home. However in my case I think there was an actual trigger other than that.

My relationship with my ex-gf wasn't abusive. It was the happiest time of my life. Ever. She left for reasons that had nothing to do with the internal workings of the relationship. It was still a healthy relationship when she left. Something that I believe and I used to be able to live by is that if you've tried your hardest you've done the right thing. My ex-gf leaving was the most important and most arbitary thing done by anyone to me other than my mum. My mum was responsible for the abuse, no doubt about it. However when my ex-gf left, I stopped being able to live by the attitude "that if you've tried your best, you've done the right thing". I tried my best with that relationship and she left anyway. Mum was never happy with my best either.

Tags: abandonment issues, self-injury
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