Critter (banka_flavored) wrote in _survivors_,

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Still that sense of confusion

A part of me is coming to terms with the fact that this physical pain i feel may be in my head. Caused by the trauma inflicted upon me 3 years ago by the rape. But I'm not sure. I have cystitis, Ive had it even before the rape. It caused a burning sensation when i urinated, but some doctors said it shouldn't cause vaginal pain. Yet i read here that it indeed can. I have had abdominal pain for a while, but recently had a colonoscopy done that diagnosed me as having gastritis which has caused my IBS. I used to think it was due to the vaginal pain, but i read this was just do to the Gastritis or IBS.

The vaginal pain, i had read on that site, can be my body reacting to pain it feels it will receive during sex. That because my body is so used to having pain, it automatically contracts muscles during intercourse, even on a subconscious level. I used to feel the pain was so real, that even if i had been raped, it just felt TOO physical to just be a subconscious reaction. But I'm still not sure. Other doctors had said they saw it was swollen, many treated me repeatedly. And even after the rape, there didn't seem to be any pain. It sort of, evolved to be more and more painful as time went on. Its all so very confusing. I still would like to change doctors as my new doctor seems very cold and distant on the subject, which makes me feel uncomfortable being treated by her since i guess she doesn't have many rape victims as her patients. She suggested i got to physical therapy.
Someone in this group also suggested something called EMDR, what is that exactly? And can anyone point me to some good links where i could read about would be greatly appreciated.

All in all, i don't know how to go about this. How to make this pain stop. How to be comfortable sexually again with my partner. Any suggestions could help me...
Its hard to believe that this pain can be caused by my mind or emotions and not something physical. That I'm second guessing myself, my pain Ive had for a while. A part of me doesn't want to give in, that maybe its just something physical that the doctors haven't caught yet. I don't know, i feel so stressed. I just want to not be in pain physically, maybe then i can deal with healing the other aspects of myself and have some level of normalcy in my life. I want that more then anything. I'm sick of feeling pain, and I'm sick of not living life.

Tags: emdr, seeking opinions

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