Laura E (quistrepe) wrote in _survivors_,
Laura E

Couple of questions

Hi, I'm 20, Aussie, and I have, as my title suggests, a few questions.

Firstly, a bit of a background. For a long time, I never actually worked out why some older men freaked me out until about one and a half years ago. Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Not literally, of course, but you know what I mean. ;)

When I was approximately eight or nine years old, I used to go away for a week or so to a camp for disabled kids. Mind, my disability is not at all severe, nor does it define who I am, but at the time, it was just something to do over the holidays. One holiday, I remember, I was there and there was this older man-- probably old enough to know better than to try and proposition a girl as young as I was.

I remember that he told me he wanted to talk to me in his room alone. Foolishly, I agreed, and in my utter naievety, went to his room. He was lying on his bed, fully clothed, and I was invited to lie down with him. I seem to recall him saying I was beautiful and other nonsensical comments of the like that've since made me very unable to handle complements from men older than me by ten or more years, and that he wanted to kiss me.

Eventually, given how uncomfortable I was, I tried to leave the room. This man was normally wheelchair-bound, and thus unable to really follow me unless he was in the chair. He attempted, several times, to kiss me on the lips, and eventually , I relented by saying he could kiss me on the cheek and that was it.

I left the room unscathed, but it wasn't for many years after that experience that certain things fell into place. My mum didn't know about it for years, and I'd seemingly forgotten about it until my ex-GP and family friend started making strange comments that made me feel uncomfortable.

The questions I have are those of a twenty-year-old woman looking back at an event that happened at an age when she was able to say no. My grandmother-- thankfully, had told me about the dangers of such people, but I still remember it.

Thus my questions:

Why do I still feel really weirded out when older men tell me I'm attractive? Is it due to this incident, or would it be because it was only recently that I remembered it?
Tags: abuse: child, triggers: discussion of

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