versions_of_me (versions_of_me) wrote in _survivors_,

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Help *sigh*

I just joined this community so I don't exactly have the words to say here...My friend told me that posting here might trigger someone to help me. I lost my virginity on my eighteenth birthday, where I was raped. It's been about a year and a half. Lot's has happened since, I got on lots of meds which I don't take anymore, I was put in a hospital for cutting myself 37 times, I stopped cutting myself, and i'm working again. It started where I had extremely bad flashbacks of the events...In random places and at random times i'd have break downs. I'd cry and couldn't get the pictures out of my head. They finally subsided and virtually stopped happening for months. This past week they have been coming back to me, only this time, it's just one scene that I see over and over again. After I was raped, I locked myself in a bathroom. I had a permanent marker and wrote words like "slut" and "whore" all over myself. A few weeks ago I had an awful day and curled up in my shower with a knife. I didn't cut myself even though I desperately wanted to. The flashbacks are getting worse. At random times through out the day, even sometimes in my dreams. I open a door and see myself sitting there, huddled in the corner with writing all over myself. I am basically looking at myself. That's it. It still breaks me down... I start crying and can barely move. The end... any advice as to what I can do or where to go for help?
Tags: introductions, panic attacks, seeking support, self-injury

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